


Built for War, In the Name of Love

by Jujus_island



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author's Favorite, Character Study, Complete, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Fish out of Water, Fluff and Angst, It Gets Better, M/M, Medical Experimentation, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Objectification, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Poor shadow, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Shadow needs a hug, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Sonic the Hedgehog Has ADHD, bc ofc, fuck gerald, its about growing as a person y'know?? healing and all that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 40,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28782633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jujus_island/pseuds/Jujus_island
Summary: This is it. This is years of hard work, your ultimate project, the creature outfitted for the perfect existence; The most important thing you will ever create.What would you give to it? Obviously, the best. Flawless design, inwards and outwards, superior abilities, state-of-the-art training, and education… wait, but why would you give it sentience? Weapons don’t have, shouldn’t have sentience, and that is for a reason. What if it is granted freedom and left to live a life of its own?Unless you have a reason no one else can see...Shadow keeps trying to understand that, trying to shake off years of mistreatment. To find a purpose in this world that he was suddenly thrust into. A reason for the hellish pain he endured. To shake up the beliefs long instilled in him and to try and see himself in another way. In another light. Trying to be better.He is healing, even if it takes a lot of time, and effort. He is healing.He is.
Relationships: Amy Rose & Shadow the Hedgehog, E-123 Omega & Rouge the Bat & Shadow the Hedgehog, E-123 Omega & Shadow the Hedgehog, Maria Robotnik & Shadow the Hedgehog, Rouge the Bat & Shadow the Hedgehog, Shadow the Hedgehog & Sonic the Hedgehog, Shadow the Hedgehog/Sonic the Hedgehog
Comments: 185
Kudos: 172





	1. Lingering Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> CW/TW Child abuse and Unwilling experimentation

These moments squeezed in between tasks and mindless meandering felt illegal. 

The bath, specifically, felt illegal. The warm water soaked through his glossy coat and onto his bare flesh, heating and relaxing his muscles. If he closed his eyes, he could pretend that this was ok. It was just like when he was young and innocent and the girl would ask if he could accompany her instead of getting thrown into the sanitization chamber, as he was meant to. 

But when he opened his eyes and held up soaked paws that bore unnatural obsidian claws, he was reminded that he wasn’t meant for luxuries of these sorts. The claws, debatably talons, were slightly serrated at the sides which reminded him of his alien ancestry. Although his blood was not pure, he was the last remaining remnant of a forgone alien race that he had exterminated with his own two hands. 

Then he looked over to his striped arms. The water weighed heavy on his fur which exposed the normally concealed muscles behind black fur. His corded muscles were as unnatural as the claws, not born from hard work and discipline, which he certainly wasn’t foreign to, but gifted to him by his creator, whom he considered a father, Gerald Robotnik. 

He sunk deeper into the slowly cooling water, letting it embrace him with its sympathetic arms. Against his will, his mind wandered into the bittersweet corner that he hid in when he found himself alone with his thoughts. It felt like a security blanket, enveloping his shaking body with feelings of familiarity. Today he walked down the catacombs of the Space Colony Ark. 

He was a young child, kindergarten-age if he was granted normalcy. He was left to his own devices, humming a song his titular big sister played on the record player before she was whisked away to the hospital wing. He kept her company until the autoimmune disease specialist had urged the experiment out. 

He was looking for the F-Wing lab where he was to receive his daily ‘pricks’ as he called them. It wasn’t long before a scientist, he could identify from the badge that they wore, had approached him. He was roughly grabbed by the forearm and dragged along the hallway. They were displeased with his tardiness, although Shadow couldn’t help to think the abrasiveness was excessive given this procedure was routine. 

“Sit down.” He instructed, not bothering to turn to gesture to the chair. 

“Yes sir.” Shadow knew what to do by now. Sit down in the chair, be up in restraints, get his blood taken, get pricked by an unidentified needle, be weighted, have his height checked. Then he’d have about 15 minutes of reprieve before he was to lay down on the hospital bed, also held down by restraints for about an hour, according to the wall clock anyway.  
The hour was the worst. The symptoms varied greatly from violent coughing fits too intense waves of nausea forcing him to empty the nonexistent contents of his stomach onto the floor. But in the end, he always came out relatively unscathed, much to the delight of the scientists. And, as Maria instructed him too, he looked on the bright side. It seemed that every day the period of misery brought on upon the contents of the injection grew shorter and shorter. 

Fifteen minutes today. That’s how long it took for his body to burn the remnants of Rubella that had invaded his veins. His immune system was rapidly improving, according to what Shadow could see from the reports that he caught occasional glimpses of. It was times like this he was forever grateful to his sister for her attempt at educating the young hedgehog. 

He was surprised to find himself released from his restraints so quickly, and even more surprised to see the professor standing with a warm smile and affectionate eyes. He couldn’t contain his excitement. Despite the fact that he had already started building walls at this young age, seeing his paternal figure look upon him with soft features and an inviting demeanor was enough to coax his eyes into emitting a little twinkle and his lips to curve into a toothy grin. 

When Shadow approached his creator, the man offered him a reassuring pat on the head as he communicated with the other scientists in the room. Gerald had a passionate grin on his face. A man, someone who Shadow did not recognize, came in adorned with a smart suit decorated with badges on his breast that clinked together as we walked. 

“Project Shadow is hitting all the goal marks and developing a near-impenetrable immune system faster than expected. I believe it is appropriate we start training professor.” The scientist’s words flew over the young hybrid’s head but some keywords, words like goals and faster seemed promising to him. Maybe there would be no more prick time, maybe he could go and play with Maria all day. Or at least find some time to practice his roller skate tricks and read chapter books. 

“We should proceed.” Gerald stroked Shadow’s stripped forehead “Mr. Towers, please introduce yourself.” 

The unnamed man, who previously stood in silence, not faltering once at the menagerie of odd medical instruments and bags of blood neatly stored in cabinets behind glass windows, finally made his presence known. 

“General John Towers, I am here to evaluate and instate training for Project Shadow.” The man spoke with a cool cadence that seemed to demand respect. And the way he carried himself, such rigid structure and stern posture, it made you fear him like the eyes of God. The young hybrid would remember how that presence felt. 

Gerald Robotnik held no such convictions, however, as he instantaneously offered a hand to shake to have it returned in good faith. “Professor Gerald Robotnik, I trust you will be pleased with the results. He has a mind ripe for learning and a thirst for knowledge I’m sure you will put to good use.”

The officer didn’t bother to respond, he crouched down to meet Shadow eye to eye. The young hog slightly cowered into the professor’s side upon being greeted by a pair of piercing, heterochromatic slits. “Why is he so small.” 

The elder offered an amiable response, somehow unaffected by the man’s imposing disposition. “We here thought it would be best to synthesize hedgehog DNA as they are the most naturally receptive to chaos energy as well as being an optimal height and weight in case this project is to go rogue. As for his stature, he is barely out of his infancy,” Gerald chuckled “ he will grow with time. It’s best to teach minds when they are young and pliable.”

The officer now stood tall, easily twice, if not three times as tall as the underdeveloped hybrid. “Understood. We will start training today.” The officer turned to the door, back straight, walking in time. 

“Go on now.” Gerald nudged young Shadow along. “Be strong, Shadow.” 

He had to repeat this mantra to himself as he stood in the center of a sterile, white room with a large tinted window. He couldn’t help but feel anxious, the feeling still familiar from being strapped down to the chair with the scientists earlier. So repeated in his head ‘be strong shadow, be strong’. It wasn’t long before a bipedal form, what Shadow now understood to be an attack dog training outfit, charged at him and ruthlessly struck him in the side of the head. 

A young Shadow laid on the floor, helpless as he could feel a nasty bruise forming and swelling at the side of his cheek. It would be gone within the hour, but that didn’t suppress the pain that dwelled at the spot that made contact with the closed fist. With all his might, he was able to suppress the flow of tears that threatened to spill onto his cheeks and fall to the floor. The professor always reprimanded him when he cried.

The man stood over him as if he was waiting for something. During this time Shadow picked up on mumbling behind the panel of glass thanks to his advanced hearing. 

“Why is it just lying there!” Towers Sr. demanded as he watched Shadow frozen on the ground, quills raised in a vain attempt at defense, anticipating the next attack. “Isn’t this supposed to be the Ultimate weapon? Why isn’t he attacking!” 

Shadow recognized the voice of a younger scientist behind the General. “He hasn’t been trained at all sir, we have focused on the medical potential of its creation.” 

Towers Sr. growled in disdain for the behavior of the hoglet. He didn’t expect perfection just yet, but at the bare minimum aggression. His voice was scathing “Why is he cowering! This grievance won’t be forgotten. Now, tell Robotnik that his sessions will be daily, starting tomorrow at seventeen hours to however long I see fit.” He moved over to the microphone connected to the intercom that feeds into the room. “Come back private, we have a lot of work to do.” 

Although the memory was fragmented after this point, he did recall the voice of the scientist mumbling under his breath as he passed them in the hall. “Gerald’s grand idea to give a science experiment the heart based on a little girl has paid off once again.” 

The next thing he can remember is crawling into the bed of his big sister in the desperate hope of the sight of her comfort. Luck never found him easily as he was left in a lonely bed, crying into the sheets. 

The sting of his sore, languid muscles brought him back to the cold bathwater. Due to his body being in a near-constant state of taut rigidness, he found himself sore when he fully relaxed. Despite his lassitude, he put on John Towers’ face and demeanor, reentering the present cool and detached. 

As he got out of the water, he let most of the anxiety and dread of the memory fall off his shoulders and remain married to the bath. But a piece of it was always with him, the young, scared, hybrid still alive under layers of stubborn frost. 

He only prayed the ivory bat, who had insisted on his company and perceived companionship was not home. He didn’t want to introduce another one of his vices to her, as each day she neared closer to winning his trust and friendship. Something he knew he was not built for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was thinking about Shadow in history (as one does) and got to thinking about how he was a military weapon. So basically this one is about Shadow learning he's not an object and is allowed happiness. Basically basically weapon angst ramped up to 11. Luckily he has Rouge and Sonic and others to help him out. Romance will be slow but it'll happen.


	2. Willing Guidance to an Unwillling Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rouge lements on her relationship with Shadow.

Rouge had seen him, guilty in his towel, stalking out of the bath. She called him cute. He bared his teeth and grumbled away. 

She could see the teenager residing inside the intimidating exterior when he acted out like this, which was often. The immature reaction to something as simple as a compliment and the stubborn persistence to maintain a scowl told her all she needed to know regarding his argument that he was ‘50 years old’. 

She was a tough cookie. His often flippant or aloof behavior didn’t affect her because she knew it wasn’t reserved for her. She also knew, even with what little information she got from him, that he was a product of his environment. 

His amnesiac episode told her the most about what she knew about Shadow. She knew he was reserved, but he could be a dork when he wanted to. And she knew that he got impressed by the little things, something as simple as the lights of the city had his mouth agape like an awestruck child. He spoke quietly and politely. There were stars in his eyes when he tried Doritos for the first time.  
Now, when she offered him a bag of chips, he adamantly accused her of poisoning him. When, after the umpteenth time of denying she would attempt to poison him, he used the excuse that he didn’t require food. When asking for more information, he simply said a weapon doesn’t need food. 

This was a lie made evident by the crude claw marks made in the bag of coffee beans and the mess made after Shadow attempted to figure out the microwave. She couldn’t wrap her head around what possibly possessed him to feel like he needed to lie about needing to eat. But then again, she wasn’t surprised. Back on the Ark, before she had a soft spot for him, she could detect from a mile away that something was off. 

Her suspicions were only confirmed when he saved her from her impending doom in the locked safe. As he rushed in, she could see the panic in his eyes as he charged to her. And this introduced this same principle he applied to today, denying seemingly mundane and monotonous facets of his life down to obvious and even positive emotions and innate or natural needs. 

She got the notion that there might be a story behind the strange barrier he put between himself and practically everyone when the personal message of Gerald Robotnik was displayed for all to see. It was even more cemented when she read out his diary. The first sentence “‘Was it a mistake to create the ultimate lifeform?”, and the fate of the young girl Maria told a story she wished she could piece together. 

She wasn’t one for connection. Her tendency to fraternize and put on a smiling face while holding a dagger behind her back didn’t help her in the slightest. It was in the nature of her job, and if she were too be honest, the nature of her character. That’s part of what made her need to latch onto Shadow. 

He left her on bad terms. The last conversation he’d had with her was less than friendly. After finding out about the Ultimate Lifeform prototype she accused him of lying about who he really was, only for him to return the favor. 

But when she found him deep within Eggman’s base, only to have her life saved by him again, she knew she was granted a second chance. 

And then came Omega. According to her first impression, he was just another badnik in her way. But quickly, he let them know there was a lot more to him. Just the pent up rage that the robot harbored was enough to convince her that they were no ordinary piece of machinery. What she didn’t anticipate was his capacity for sympathy. 

It didn’t need to be said that E123-Omega would be a permanent member of her life. The robot and Shadow shared a unique sort of understanding, both being made from the hands of a Robotnik and granted a mind capable of empathy despite their purpose being one of violence. You would have to forcefully extract it from their throats, or hard drive in Omega’s case, but they, at the least, considered themselves comrades to some extent. As far as you can get with an emotionally stunted hedgehog and killer robot anyway. 

Jealousy wasn’t a good look on Rouge, she had to admit, but her heart broke a little when Shadow’s memory had returned without the doors the windows in the walls that he built around his heart. He seemed like a completely different person from the time they were looking for Eggman and after he defeated black doom. 

She could only wonder what changed? What in his past told him to hide? The only answer she had, for now, at least, was that she’d have to be patient as she coaxed him out of his shell. But she’d get there, she promised him that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw Omega uses (he/they) cuz they're a robot but also Rouge uses he and she respects pronouns so yeah. Also, dw if you're here for Sonic he's coming soon. Forgot to mention this takes place after Shadow the Hedgehog 2005.


	3. Curiosity is a Fickle Mistress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonic finds Shadow in the park.

Shadow was elusive, mysterious, and intriguing. Which is why he found it so strange that he was actively suppressing his growing curiosity regarding his blue ‘rival’.

He had a way of wiggling into his life, second only to Rouge, by any means necessary. It was really a miracle, or disaster depending on who you asked, that Sonic caught him this time. After he’d been rather forcefully employed by G.U.N, he was off on multiple week-long missions with little to no breaks in between. The ebon on a day off was an impressive sight to be seen, after catching up on the sleep that he insisted he didn’t need and secretly eating the food he claimed he didn’t like, he didn’t really know what to do with himself. 

That’s what brought him to the park. Rouge insisted he does something other than work. But what else is there for a bio-engineered weapon to do? He was much too pragmatic to waste his time doing frivolous things. She offered that they go to the store, he said no. Frustrated, she kicked him out. 

That familiar rush from participating in these little activities that felt ever so illicit had returned as he inspected the delicate petals of the flowers that resided in the park. The times that Maria would call to him, acting as his savior from the research lab or the training facility, to sit and simply enjoy each other’s company paired with a good book or a television program called back to him. 

She loved the illustrations of the flowers but she was enamored with the pictures. The burst of colors captivated her, and he could see why. It was a loud distraction from the sterile environment that she lived with. 

Anything they enjoyed together, Shadow found himself fascinated with too. A full smile was such a rare sight in between the rounds of shots or hours of training. So he’d associate the little things with happiness. 

He had a white daffodil in his hand in particular when his diligent ears picked up on the chatter that had commenced fifty paces northwest. There was no mistake who had caused this commotion. He did seem to attract the spotlight. 

Shadow quickly stalked away. He didn’t have an explanation for why he was here and he knew the blue hedgehog would want to know, so it’s time to leave. 

He always felt confused, even frustrated after conversations with him. He was intensely powerful for someone who was supposedly just a normal hedgehog who loved adventure. Every interaction Shadow had with him directly contradicted that notion. 

He was the Ultimate Lifeform. He was not to be confused, it hindered his awareness and clouded his mind that was to be kept pure of inhibiting emotions. Sonic was confusing, and confusion was infuriating, it was time to leave. 

But it was never that simple, was it? 

Sonic quickly caught up to him, stopping him on his trek through the park. “Heya Faker! Whatcha doin’ in the park?” 

Shadow pressed forward. He didn’t have an answer for him and he didn’t want to provide him with one. 

“Not talkative huh? Can’t say I’m surprised. You're a quiet dude.” Why did this hedgehog insist on talking to him? He’s not gregarious like him, they don’t have a reason to cross paths, they did save the world but it did not make them friends. It was his purpose that he was fulfilling, his attempt at retribution for atrocities performed on a false promise. 

Sonic had him asking questions once again. Shadow chooses not to engage, continuing his walk onward, feigning ignorance. But finally, finally, the blue blur asked a question he could answer without apprehension. 

“Wanna race?” Sonic asked, leaning forward playfully. 

“Yes.”

In an impressive display of sheer power and determination to prove their worth, the two hedgehogs were reduced to nothing but blurbs as they raced through the park, into the street, to the forest. 

When not threatened with the potential death of thousands and the demolition of the world, pushing yourself to the breaking point could be oddly exciting. Maybe Sonic forgot what it felt like to have competition, maybe Shadow forgot what it felt like to give in to the competition. Even though their lungs were on fire, and their legs were beyond the point of fatigue, they let out a pent up breath of exhaustion and breathed in a new one of fresh air in exchange. 

As ironic as it was, they took their time. A marathon was a quick job between the two of them, only taking about 5 minutes. They ran for about an hour and thirty minutes. Their race came to a close in a terrain neither of them recognized and neither of them cared to acknowledge. What Sonic did acknowledge was, however, was the fact that he’d won. 

“Looks like I won! Guess I’m still the fastest thing alive huh, Shadow?” Sonic smirked, purposefully playing to the other’s combative nature. It was like a game of fetch, Sonic pokes with a stupid remark or a challenging smile, and Shadow responds with a snarky retort or his dismissive attitude. Sonic loves fetch. 

Shadow knew to dissemble “You have just gotten lucky. I could easily beat you if I utilized my full power.” It was something he learned from his childhood. When Project Shadow was constantly caught on the cusp of being ‘Shut down’, the last thing to do was to show any semblance of mental weakness. 

He was using his full power. The blue hedgehog always had him on his toes, pushing him to perform to the absolute best of his capabilities. And that was a sign of failure. The Ultimate Lifeform should not be beaten, he should not even have competition. He was meant to be perfect, he wasn’t, and that was a secret he was going to take to the grave. No one would know, especially the blue hedgehog of all beings. 

“Hehe, sure bud. Let’s do this again sometime, it was fun!” Sonic smiled, walking after Shadow who was, once again, moving away. 

“Don’t hold your breath, hedgehog. You're lucky I even accepted.” And he was, Shadow isn’t one to give in to his frivolous desires. A weapon had no need for play fights such as this, but G.U.N had demanded, based on legal reasons, that he take an unnecessary vacation from fulfilling his purpose, his promise. 

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” Sonic hummed as he twisted to be jogging backward, his arms behind his head in a leisurely stance. “We always find a way to cross paths, y’know.” 

“Unfortunately.” 

Sonic only snickered at this, finding his brazen attitude entertaining seeing how his words elicit such reactions. “You free? Wanna chill or something?” 

“No.” 

“Why not?” 

Shadow pressed forward, ignoring the question. In all honesty, he didn’t know what chill meant in this context and he didn’t know what it entailed. He didn’t care to find out, not being in control left him feeling uncertain, nervous, even anxious. 

Sonic shrugged, confused at the exchange, or lack thereof, of words. Not wanting to face the cold shoulder any longer, Sonic smiled. “Well, see ya around!” And sprinted off. 

In his wake, he left Shadow alone with his emotions that he didn’t know how to confront. Just who was this guy, or rather, what was he? Chances are they’d meet again, and he'd be left with more questions than answers.


	4. Stuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW//CW PANIC ATTACKS, FLASHBACKS, CHILD ABUSE, VIOLENCE
> 
> Please skip this chapter if you think it may be harmful to you in any way.

It all happened so fast. One moment everything was in his hands, just a routine mission. Then it got so cold. 

Even to GUN, team dark was team dark. The bat was a shifty klepto, the robot only had an insatiable thirst for violence, and the hedgehog was an unhinged science experiment. But they were valuable, and they only really respected each other, so team dark stayed. Despite how finicky its members may be, they brought out the best in each other. 

Once again they were out on a mission. Shadow kept it to himself, but he was thankful not to be sent off on another solo mission. He could last much longer than any mobian alive on no sleep, but feeding off chaos energy could only keep him upright for so long. Feeling his energy reserves grow weaker as the bags under his eyes had deepened, he had no choice but to put faith in his teammates to complete the task with him not functioning at full capacity. 

Team Dark, as well as other mercenary squads, were sent off to go and thwart the efforts of a band of domestic terrorists. It was a bigger mission, yes, but a difficult one for the Ultimate Lifeform, no. Or at least that’s what he thought. 

He was alone, disassembling a bomb, blinking away the tiredness that resided in the corners of his eyes as he played with the wires. He was frustrated at the task Rouge had given him as he firmly believed he was more suited for combat. He accepted his position of subordination, as he always had been in a similar position in the ARK.

He’d be instructed to go and take care of the artificial chaos, instructed to sit while the scientists would injure him to see how long it took for the scars to fade, instructed who and when to fight by the soldiers. He was comfortable with it, but moments like this made him regret his consent to his position. 

He tried his best to tunnel his attention on the fatigued limbs at work. His lack of awareness made it a simple task for the aggressor to sneak up on the normally hyper-aware hybrid. By the time Shadow reacted, it was too late. The aggressor had pulled out a shank and stabbed Shadow in the side as he turned to face him.

The adrenaline rush that immediately came over him as the searing pain traveled through him gave him enough energy to deck his attacker in the jaw, sending him stumbling back in painful confusion. Still, on his high, he managed to whip out the old Glock he kept hidden in his quills, trying his best to shoot for the foot of the running figure. He wanted to make a point, don’t fuck with the Ultimate Lifeform. But, his vision was growing blurry and he felt his legs, slick with blood that dribbled down his side, buckle underneath him as he gave into the blood loss. 

He managed to scream some thinly veiled threats before falling to the unforgiving, unwelcoming ground with a thud. 

That’s all he could remember before his piercing red gaze fluttered open to the unfamiliar room. The room might have been alien to him but the smell wasn’t as it was the first thing that had introduced itself, assaulting his nose from the moment sleep had released him from its clutches.

The smell of dried blood, the excessive use of bleach, rubbing alcohol, and cleaning agents took him to a place from long ago. He completely disassociated from the world around him, as in his mind he simply wasn’t there. He was in the space colony Ark, around 7,000 miles above, revolving at orbital velocity, fifty years prior. 

Between the olfactory sensations of the sterile environment and the instruments next to him, he knew what was coming, experimentation. He knew what today was by the cotton headphones next to him, electrotherapy. His memory skipped to the point where he was already geared up with wires attached all over his body and monitors displaying the state of his vitals. With no warning, they turned on the power and instantly the high voltage waves washed over his body. 

In the moment all he wanted was for it to be over. Just because his body wouldn’t feel the lasting effects of the abuse it was put through, or the convulsions, his nerves did. It was common practice to treat him as if he didn’t feel pain, so he got good at the practice of ‘grinning and bearing it’. But the voltage was just so high he couldn’t help but cry out in full screams that seemed to ricochet off the walls and back into his ears as he took the abuse. 

His mind granted him clemency only for him now to be running through the walls with Maria’s hand in his. They were being pursued by a band of GUN soldiers with the aim of executing all the residents of the ARK. His ears were ringing thanks to the blaring sirens but his hearing was starting to settle on his almost deafening heart rate. 

He made his best attempt at moving as fast as possible, without hurting the fragile girl that he dragged behind him. He was scared for his own safety, against his better judgment, but looking at the once smiling face of his sister now contorted in panic kept his legs moving. He was built for her after all, his whole intended purpose was to be a cure for her NIDS. 

Through the glass tube, right before he was shot down to earth, through mucus-filled nostrils he picked up on the slightly metallic smell of blood that was confirmed through tears eyes, and ears that picked up the sound of her body hitting the floor. It was only after he was shot into space that he returned to his hospital bed. 

Now that he was no longer dissociating, he could work on calming his pacing heart and finding out why he was in his personal torture chamber. He looked down to the source of the pain throbbing at his side. The laceration had already scarred, meaning he acquired it a little under an hour prior. He wanted to feel the area, to give his injury proper evaluation to reassure his reeling mind that there was no reason to freak out, but when he moved his hands he noticed he was tied down. Tied down by medical restraints.

Dread was the first thing he felt. His blood ran cold and he shivered from the sweat that flattened and matted parts of his coat. He had to go, it wasn’t safe here. But he was stuck. He attempted to chaos control but lo and behold he didn’t have an emerald and his reserves were being used to heal his injury. He could feel the straps tightening and loosening around his torso as his lungs rose and fell. His ears burned as he could no longer hear what was around him since his heart was thumping away in his ears. His vision was distorted and disoriented as he descended into panic as if he was looking through a fish-eye lens.

This had happened to him before, in the early hours of the morning one day when he heard the sirens of a police car that reminded him of the alarms of the ARK and he saw the blue and red strobe lights that looked so similar to the ones that lined the corridors he used to run up and down on. During that time, while he was shaking in the corner, he would scold himself in an attempt to calm himself down. 

So that's what he tried here, to bring himself back to reality. “Stop it, Shadow, stop.” He says to himself, over and over as long as he can speak. Trying with all his might to steady his breath. Between the hyperventilating, the suffocating dread, and his pounding heart that threatened to burst he barely noticed the worried bat swoop into the room. 

She rushed over to see her usually unbreakable teammate with eyes wide and pupils small with fear, visibly shaking in his restraints. She rushed over to him, setting firm hands on his shoulders in an attempt to stop whatever was playing out. She spoke softly, injecting sweet concern in her voice while keeping her resolve to prevent worsening his state of mind. “Shadow, Shadow look at me. What’s wrong?” 

He turned to her, some of his soul calming upon seeing her. Her matriarchal, almost maternal nature seemed to put him at ease, to some extent, as he’d seen it before in Maria. When he’d come crawling to her after a rough day of tests or training, with puffy eyes blurry with tears she’d scoop him up and tell him it was ok until he was fast asleep, until he was older and was firmly reprimanded. According to Gerald ‘boys don’t cry’. Especially the supposed Ultimate Lifeform. 

“Please! I need to go! I need to get out!” Shadow pleaded to the concerned bat. She noted his hands struggling against the restraints and quickly undid them, confused as to why they were there in the first place. One of his hands was free, he moved to the other hand and undid that restraint, whilst Rouge undid the one around his torso. 

Rouge pulled out Shadow’s ‘personal’ glimmering green emerald. He didn’t have time to ponder over how she managed to get her hands on it as he leaped forward, stating “Chaos Control!” enveloping the pair into a blinding light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Shadow :(.  
> This is my attempt at writing a realistic panic attack (could also be interpreted as an emotional flashback) but I've never had one so it could totally be incorrect. My closet experience is an anxiety attack and I haven't had one in years. My mom has had them in the past so I'm writing from descriptions of her experience as well as this: https://www.writerscookbook.com/how-to-write-a-panic-attack/ so yeah, hope its at least somewhat accurate to real life.  
> Btw I got him talking to himself as a grounding technique from the lyrics of rhythm and balance (white jungle song)


	5. In and Out of Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow has some pent up anger.

In an instant, they were standing in the living room of their shared apartment. It was the safest place Shadow could think to go. 

Rouge led him to the coach as the last shreds of vestigial panic were still leaving his shaking body. She sat with the hedgehog, wrapping him in warm blankets furiously tapping away at her phone ‘how to help with a panic attack’ hoping that it was well past its crescendo. 

She read the suggestions, speak to them slowly, ask what they need, try breathing exercises. Got it. She turned her friend, offering a small, reassuring smile and a dulcet inflection she watched the remnants of the attack slip away, slowly. 

“It will all be ok, Shadow. Do you need anything?” Rouge asked, keeping near to him. 

His voice was slightly raspy and quiet as he spoke to her “I’ll recover.” 

“Is it ok if I stay?” Rouge asked, rather carefully. A tone of voice Shadow didn’t know she had. 

Shadow nodded. He owed her, in this case, she saved him. “It is ok, thank you.” 

She smiled and shifted slightly closer, offering some form of physical support, waiting for his breaths to even out and the tremors to end. Finally, a relative feeling of security returned and he was stable. Now that his mind was no longer clouded, he could focus on his feelings as Rouge turned on some mindless program on the television set.   
How did he feel? Well, he was in a state of ambivalence. For one, he was beyond relieved it was over and that he could breathe again. And he was comfy in the plush blanket, shrinking in a demure nature. But his string of thought was evocative of what was truly conjuring in his chest. He felt pathetic, helpless, deeply disappointed in himself amongst other complicated feelings he wasn’t about to unpack on the living room couch. During these fits of introspection, he’d find to describe himself as deeply disturbed thanks to the events of his past and the fifty-year gap in his memory. 

He found this facet of his personality shameful and he tried to conceal it behind indifference. Even in the warm ambiance of the room he was perturbed by his situation, quickly turning his concern into inward frustration. He couldn’t logically answer why his response was so severe. It was strange given that he could easily break the restraints with a slight increment of strength. Wait, why was he restrained anyway? Why was he in the hospital in the first place? 

“Rouge, why was I in the hospital?” His regenerative capabilities made a visit to that retched place unnecessary and frankly a waste of time. 

“Oh sweetheart, don’t flip out but you got stabbed. It looks pretty much healed, are you feeling any better?” He knows he got stabbed, he isn’t a fool. And what is with this false concern, did she have a hand in this mess? 

“Why was I at the hospital. I could’ve kept going, I’m not cannon fodder. I am the Ultimate Lifeform, I was built for war, what is the meaning of this?”

“Shadow? Are you serious? You were bleeding out! What if you..you,” Bleeding out? Hah, that's a joke if I’ve ever heard one. I’ve been through much, much worse, bleeding out is cakewalk, bleeding out is mercy. And it doesn't matter If I’m hurt, I have to keep going. Why was I stopped? 

“Why was I restrained Rouge?” 

“Shadow, I don’t know! Just go to sleep and we’ll figure it all out tomorrow!” 

“No! Why was I restrained! Why was I there?” Why did I have to go through all that? What were they going to do to me? What part does Rogue have in this? Why can’t I have answers that make sense? 

“Shadow calm down! It’s all going to be okay, just come here-” 

“I’m not going over to the likes of you! It was a mistake for you to let me into your life and it was a mistake for me to allow it! You don’t know me, Rouge. Stop fucking pretending like you do!” Shadow’s voice rose to dangerous heights, as he lost his ability to keep it steady. He didn’t really even know what he was mad about anymore, he just felt riled up. Like he was finally getting the chance to let off some steam. But it was strange for him, after he said that statement he felt his heart wasn’t in it anymore, he couldn't be faithful to the feeling as it was not genuine any more.

Rouge’s face was first shocked, then beyond irritated. She had to take a moment to articulate her words but that's all it took for Shadow to manage to getaway. 

He scampered off, without even a chance to look back and hear a response. He knew this move was cowardice but he was showing too much of himself. He felt a pang in his heart, the familiar feeling of guilt taking hold of him in his clutches. His stomach was in a knot when he considered how Maria would’ve felt about his behavior, she would’ve been disappointed for sure. He knew he was, 

He may be a bioengineered weapon but he was raised with manners. Surly Rouge was fed up with his ungrateful tendencies, as she should be. It isn’t even confirmed if she had any involvement in the hospital situation. And, would she know that would be his reaction? Without a scapegoat, he was left alone with the petrichor in the air and his thoughts in his head. 

It was pretty late by this point, half past midnight Shadow deduced by how long the day had been. Thanks to his partial night vision, he could find his way to the park without issue. Being with nature alone was sort of cathartic for him, he realized. And it was fulfilling to feel the years of yearning for earth come to fruition as he trekked through puddles. 

With some of the dust settled he could think about his next course of action. No way Rouge would be interested in seeing his disgraced mug in her apartment she so generously opened up to him, even if he did agree to pay rent with what GUN was willing to give him. He was partially relieved and mostly annoyed to have his solitude abruptly interrupted by the sudden entrance of the same blue hedgehog who bothered him weeks prior. 

“Why are you here, blue hedgehog?” Shadow demanded, seeing Sonic just sort of meandering around the park. He was beyond exhausted with this day and all the surprises it had with it, the last thing he wanted was to be bombarded with questions by the blue headache. 

“What? A guy can’t enjoy a public park?” Sonic asked, not introducing his usual overt friendliness. He was a bit irritated as well, not at Shadow in particular, but the hero has long days.. and nights. 

Shadow rolled ruby eyes. “You should be sleeping.” 

“Can’t.” 

With all the running Sonic did, Shadow was stunned to hear that Sonic didn’t black out the moment his head met the pillow. Sonic was that kind of guy, the more time you spent with him, the less you felt like you actually knew him. Shadow had to remind himself that he didn’t care and there was no purpose in seeking out a more fulfilling answer. 

Shadow made a feeble shrug and turned on his way. Trying his best to scrape away from the sandpit that was thinking about Sonic and their perceived similarities. Despite himself, considering who he was talking to, Sonic didn’t really want to be alone, but he didn’t want to argue either. 

“If you’re not busy we could race, maybe? I haven’t seen you in like two weeks man.” Sonic smiled over to Shadow, who was trotting away into the inky night. 

Shadow stopped. It wasn’t like he had anything else better to do. But he had something else in mind. “I prefer a sparring match.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the pov switches from third person limited to first isn't jarring lol. Also, Shadow isn't actually 'mentally disturbed', he j doesn't know what mental illness is. I know Shad's problematic in this chapter but he gets better lol.


	6. Recoil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow and Sonic get into a sparring match.

They were the only two souls in the vicinity, meaning they could duke it out, pulling all the stops, a few yards from the playground. Shadow lunges at Sonic with unprecedented speed to the untrained eye, but years of running had taught Sonic how to deal with high-speed aggressors. He retaliated, getting Shadow in the gut with a homing attack. It wasn’t anything to knock the wind out of the hybrid, as it’s all in good faith, so Shadow jumps back, planting a kick on the blue hedgehog. 

In the beginning, the altercation, as it was all for play, was a lot of spectacle fighting. Sonic, peppering in flashy poses and sprightly one-liners to play to Shadow’s irritable nature, which he found rather humorous. And as much as he’d deny it, Shadow quite enjoyed a bit of spectacle fighting as well. His mouth was unmoving but the unnecessary flare of his boots and deft flips off trees and park benches said all the words he was unwilling to say. 

He must’ve gotten too wrapped up in it. It was nice of the little devil on his shoulder, whispering in his ear to give him a break as his mind was fully dedicated to the fight. His mental energy was being replenished and rejuvenated by the silence in his conscious. The nature of the fight was jovial yet still invigorating. They had moved away from the spectacle, now they had transitioned into roughhousing. Their quills were a mess and their coats were matted thanks to the mud but that didn’t stop them from rolling around in the wet grass. 

Being so close to anyone was strange for Shadow. He can’t remember the last he’s been hugged, let alone feel someone else's breath grace his fur. His cheeks were hot from more than the physical excretion he’d put himself through. The problem was only exacerbated when Sonic had manipulated his body to form a chokehold around his ebony neck. 

His position was compromising in the least and mortifying at best. His head was cradled in cobalt thighs and calves and the rest of his body was laid out on the dewy grass. He could flail his legs and arms all he wanted, but it was all for naught as all he would be affected was innocent soil. 

He could use chaos powers but it was an unspoken rule that by this leg of the race it was a cop-out to use more than brute force and wit. He’d be the undisputed loser if he brought a chaos spear to a gunfight. He looked around to see if his surroundings could provoke some inspiration on how to regain the upper hand. This was a mistake, he knew it to be true when he saw Sonic’s smirk looking down on him, seeming so mischievous from his position. 

It was a knee jerk reaction, triggered by the heat building on his face. His arm swung up and his fist caught his cheek. Despite the circumstance, he immediately regretted it when he felt Sonic lurched backward and release all the tension in his body. His consent to this fight was limited to harmless practice and Shadow had just crossed the line. He popped up and looked to Sonic’s shocked face. 

“..Uh, I apologize.” Was all Shadow got out before setting his skates ablaze. Once again, he fucked up. It was getting old. 

Sonic was only stunned as he watched Shadow pull away and slip off into the remainder of the night with the only evidence of their encounter being the shock on his face. He wasn’t hurt, just stunned. Reviewing what had happened, he must’ve gotten wrapped up in the felicity of the feeling of the energy leaving his muscles when he sparred with someone, equally matched, like Shadow. He didn’t consider the ramifications of choking Shadow with his thighs, but him running away with an apology was the last thing he would have guessed would be the outcome. If only he had his number to clear things up, he knew the agent was strange about his personal space and he really should’ve taken that into account when pulling a stunt like that. 

If only their encounters weren’t always so fleeting. 

“This is what happens when a weapon is given sentience and left to its own devices, it goes around and fucks everything up.” Shadow grumbles still looking for somewhere to stop and comb through his reeling mind. The faker had it coming, but he didn’t deserve such harsh punishment! Seeing how he managed to lash out at the only two living breathing creatures rooting for him in one day was a testament to his character. He truly resented himself for not being able to find a handle on his emotions. 

But… maybe this was for the best? After all, it wasn’t wise for him to form relationships anyhow. Seeing how his life has been up to this point, they’d be violently ripped away from him, leaving him heartbroken. And with his near-immortality, this was more a promise than speculation. Could he even handle friendships anyway? All he had was Maria, who he considered more of a sister than a friend, but it’s not that he remembers the development of that connection. He knew for as long as he can remember. 

Really he was a liability. But, apologizing to Rouge wouldn’t make them friends, it’s what Maria would’ve wanted. If his actions are unbecoming, it has to be corrected.


	7. Monday Morning, Turning Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow's back home.

He could’ve been there in a matter of millisecond, but he took his time like a shameful child waiting for a scolding from their mother. In a way, he felt like his situation was parallel to that in a strange sense. She presided over him as much as one could, keeping regular tabs on his whereabouts or current stats. And now, he put himself in the situation of the child, dragging their feet to his inevitable doom. 

The sun was on her way up when he found himself at the apartment door. He was prepared to face a locked door and a cold night sitting propped up against the wall to thankfully be granted entry. Although it was undoubtedly irresponsible to leave the door unlocked, he was grateful. 

Seeing the blanket that Rouge draped over him hours prior put a damper on his already melancholic mood. Despite how tired he’d been, he didn’t allow himself rest just yet. He figured it would be wise to ‘represent’ his remorse, in a way. After pacing around the area for a moment, he concluded cleaning would be appropriate. 

He opened the cabinet located under her kitchen sink to pull out various cleaning agents. Bleach sounded good. He got out cleaning gloves, making sure to stretch them over his inhibitors, and a sponge so he could get started on the sink. But the moment the smell of bleach graced his nostrils, it was apparent cleaning wasn’t an option as he was assaulted by unwanted visions of over 50 years ago. 

When he was out of his daze, he removed the cleaning products, noting to avoid bleach. So, if cleaning wasn’t an option, what else could he do? Once again, he was forced to look over his surroundings until his eyes settled on the electric stove. 

Sure he had no experience with an electric stove, they only had gas on the ARK. And sure he barely remembers the last time he tried to cook, but what else could he do? He had most of the memory of the time Maria attempted to teach him how to make french toast, he could fill in the blanks. 

Well, the job was done. It wasn’t pretty but the overabundance of milk and vanilla made sure that it made up for what it lacked in presentation. He was chopping up some fresh strawberries that he planned to top with whipped cream when he heard sluggish footsteps. Shit, It was a workday, wasn’t it?

They made eye contact, he froze like a deer in headlights and her face indiscernible except for an analyzing glare. Wiping the sleep from her eyes, she asked “Making yourself breakfast?” Concealing her surprise, even pride at his sudden ability to conquer his bashful eating habits. 

He took the plate and shuffled over to the bat, setting it before her. “It’s for you.” He mumbled, peering off to the side with embarrassment. 

Rouge could get used to this, humility was a good look for the ultimate lifeform. And she deserved payback, right? Surely it wasn’t too great a sin to twist the knife a bit, just to see him squirm for a second. “Oh, isn’t that sweet of you, sunshine.” She smirked. “Anything else you’d like to say.” 

And there it was, the picture of discomfort and penance. That was all she needed of the hybrid to forgive him, despite the fact that she already had. 

In a feeble voice, he relented. “I apologize… for my behavior.” 

“Hmm..” Rouge hummed, smiling with her eyes closed as she took another bite. “I forgive you.” 

Shadow gave a quizzical look, expecting some form of verbal lashing or the rebuke of his pitiful french toast. Her quick forgiveness was unexpected amnesty, it made his chest tighten in the most pleasant way possible. His lips curling at the end and the softness in his angled eyes didn’t go unnoticed by the bat. 

“Who knew you could cook, Shady?” 

The question took him off guard, but the nickname threw him completely off-kilter. His smile was long gone and was replaced with his signature scowl and the lightest brush of pink on his cheeks due to his misplaced embarrassment. He didn’t have a response to give so he decided her question was rhetorical with a “humph”. 

She giggled at his snarky attitude. He really was a kid, a troubled kid with a heart of gold she was longing to see more of. Maybe he’d smile at learning of his little vacation she scored him or maybe he’d just take a nap. Lord knows he needs it by the bags under his eyes. 

Shadow glanced over at the analog clock on the wall, “It’s almost time to go.” He commented absentmindedly as he got up to go fix his quills. 

“Yeah, for me.” Rouge crossed her legs on the stool to the island. “I got you a day off, thank me later.” 

Shadow stared at her, wide-eyed. It wasn’t even close before GUN forced him on a mandatory off day. What could possibly warrant a day off? He hadn't done anything extraordinary recently, as far as he can remember. Rouge continued, this time more hesitant in tone. “I..” She sighed “I found out some information while looking into why you were restrained. It was an agreement between GUN and the hospital… because.. well you're legally classified as a weapon, like Omega. So that's why they can send you on such a long mission without any time for sleep and how you can have a job without any papers and the fact that your mental age is fifteen and all that junk. I’m.. sorry Shadow, I don’t know how to change that.” 

She bit her lip, secretly praying he wouldn’t blow up. Despite her good-natured intentions, she was ultimately regretting telling him this information now after his dynamic past 24 hours. She could only imagine how bad his poor little head must be reeling. But, to her surprise, she was not met with an outburst. The black hedgehog sighed, placing an elbow on the countertop and cradling a tan cheek in his palm. 

With downturned eyes, he finally spoke. “Figures. I’m well aware I’m a weapon so I should have guessed. Don’t be sorry, you had no part in this.” He shrugged, half-heartedly “There's nothing to do.” 

Rouge looked at his pitiful display as she took another mouthful of the homemade french toast, she had to hand it to him, it was pretty good. Shadow was a strange guy, she realized. One moment he could be beaming with raw arrogance and pride but here he was, deflated like a kicked puppy. She frowned at the troubled hedgehog, “Oh don’t be like that sunshine. Quit your moping, you have a day off remember? Do something nice for yourself.” 

He grumbled, only to be silenced with an affectionate pat on the head that made him tense. Although, he was already tense to some degree, as he always tended to be. The contact was brief as she finished her journey to the kitchen sink. “Thank you for the french toast darling, now excuse me as I freshen up for work.” She commented with a wink as she floated out of the room. 

He was thankful for the shelter she granted him. The duration of residency and even the onset of his stay was ambiguous as it started the moment it dawned upon the bat that he was made an orphan on a foreign planet. It didn’t take long for one of the guest rooms to be his and the closet Omegas. Rouge thought about her sudden strange roommates as she applied glittery blue powder to her lids. 

A strange group they made, but one with potential indeed. It may be inappropriate, but Rouge was wondering, is Shadow ok? The restraints were uncomfortable, sure, and the hospital was anxiety-inducing but she never would have guessed those circumstances would accumulate into a panic attack. And his volatile mood swings could be indicative of something deeper. 

If only it was as simple as asking, but she knew it wasn’t that easy for him and she wouldn’t force his hand. But, him apologizing was a big step; a bruise on his pride sure but an embark on a more honest, happier existence. She would tread lightly, but she wanted to dive deeper in his saddened mind. 

She bid the dark hog goodbye. The moment the door clicked closed he scooped up the aforementioned blanket from the couch, dragged it to his bedroom, and passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter name is a Beatles lyric cuz I don't have self-control. Tell me if you know the song!


	8. Interaction is Tantalizing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rouge forces Shadow out of the house (again).

Rouge learned the hard way that it isn’t wise to count your chickens before they hatch with Shadow. Although strides had been made three days ago, the day he made her those sloppy but decent french toasts, after that he went back to his hermit ways. 

He wasn’t as rude as before, more snarky than outright dismissive. But that wasn’t what concerned her. It was his insistence of spending all his time locked away in his room. After the initial day he was off work, he actually took the weekend off as well. This was strikingly abnormal as he normally just used it for over time. 

It can’t be healthy, Rouge decided for him as she made her way to his closed door. She felt concerned bubbling up in her chest when picturing the hybrid just sitting in the corner of his room for hours at a time. It’s not like he had any hobbies and he wasn’t one for a lot of possessions, she can’t imagine him leaving for any reason, is he okay in there? She denounced this concern, dismissing it as curiosity. 

She opened the door, without any prior notice, to find him swaddled in a blanket, comfortably in the corner. He looks comfy for the split second that she saw him before he quickly whipped the blanket off, clumsily pulling himself to a stand on top of the bed, peering over to her. 

“Why are you here? Don’t you know when to knock?” He demanded, trying his best to peer over her on his bed. 

Rouge stretched, choosing to pester him by poking through his things. He really did stick to the minimalist lifestyle, huh? She turned to the angry alien, addressing him with her eyes. “Just wanted to see what you were up to, got any plans today sunshine?” 

Shadow grumbled, stepping off his bed. He fixed some of the items she had misplaced with her prodding, “And why do you care?” 

She scoffed, seeing it was going to be an uphill battle. “Because I want to make sure you're doing ok, duh.” 

Now she had his attention. He never really considered that she may be here on behalf of his well-being and not because she had nothing else to do and he was easy to pester. Still, this didn’t mean anything. “And why is that? I was doing just fine before you broke into my room.” 

He was, in fact, not fine. Rouge didn’t need to be the expert that she was to see the puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. And, despite his muscle, she could see how lean he was. Probably from the notion in his head that he has to eat in secrecy. “Shadow, when was the last time you ate?” 

Shadow stiffened at the question, not knowing the answer. “I don’t require food.” 

She knew his idiosyncrasies weren’t his fault, no matter how stubborn he may be, but that didn’t detract from her frustration. It’s not like she hadn’t seen him cry before, why be embarrassed now? She had enough of this charade of dancing around the obvious, “Shadow, you and me both know that’s bullshit. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice the sudden disappearance of the gushers, or the coffee beans? I buy those for you, you know.'' It was about time they acknowledged that Shadow needs food, just like everyone else.

Seeing brows furrowed and ruby irises downturned, she realized she didn't mean to call him out, just let him know that he doesn't have to deny obvious, and egregiously harmless actions like eating. Seeing the state of his life, the barren room, the droopy eyes, the slightly sunken torso, he undoubtedly needed a pick me up. More than he always did anyway.

She flopped down on the bed next to him, stretching casually, to seem as though she didn’t care. But if he were to deny her proposition, he’d quickly learn it wasn’t a question in the first place. “Wanna go to the mall with me? Omega’s coming too.” 

They stood patiently in front of the line for what Rouge called boba and Shadow called a waste of time. The bat was delighted to have the response to the question ‘what flavor do you want’ be ‘it’s up to you’ from the hybrid. She now had the opportunity to test her little theory of Shadow being the proud owner of a sweet tooth when she got him the honeydew milk tea and jellies instead of tapioca pearls. Omega was content observing, finding ‘meat bags’ need for something as tedious as consumption humorous. 

Shadow had just got the first sip of the light-green nectar when his hyper-vigilant ears twitched at someone calling out “See you guys later! I’m gettin’ boba!” 

Before he could think straight, he was startled by the sudden introduction of the blue blur himself. He made himself comfortable invading Shadow’s personal space, inspecting the drink he held in his hands. “Heya Shadow! Didn’t expect ya to be here! I’m actually real happy to-”

“Well, hello to you too, Blue.” Rouge snickered, always finding Sonic and Shadow’s dichotomy very strange to the point of it being entertaining. 

“Oh hey Rouge, long time no see! Guess I was so shocked seeing the faker out at a place like this I didn’t see ya. How’s business and everything?” 

Shadow, after a grunt and eye roll at the hero’s comment at his expense, was shocked by their easy ability to fall into such comfortable, meandering, small talk. The conversation they carried, a majority by Sonic, was as effortless as it was meaningless. Nonetheless, it was pleasant, but Shadow found himself standing off to the side as a silent observer, as usual. 

A pang in his heart of an emotion foreign to him throbbed within him. He thought it wasn’t appropriate, but he almost wanted to engage as well, feel that light and breathable laughter they exchanged. A divot in their conversation gave Shadow a strange feeling of relief that he didn’t have time to evaluate as Sonic turned his attention to the robot who stood silently. 

“Oh! I didn’t catch your name during the whole metal overlord stuff,” Sonic said with a smile and an offered hand to the hulking machine “I’m Sonic!” 

Omega’s light’s flicked over the blue rodent. Silently scanning him, taking in the information he processed. “I am E-123 Omega.” the robot spoke through his cold voice box, his tone matching Shadow’s in indiscernible inflection. “The most advanced robot created by Ivo, Eggman, Robotnik. I am aware of who you are, Sonic the Hedgehog.” 

Sonic rocked back and forth on his heels, conversing lightly with Omega and then quickly transferring his attention to Rouge. Shadow felt silly for feeling offended. He was about three seconds from trotting away when Sonic finally addressed him. “Awfully quiet over there, Shads. Come on, I don’t bite.” Effectively reeling him back into the situation.

“Shads?” The hybrid asked with an incredulous tone of voice. It was strange to be called anything other than a project or it, or simply Shadow. The only other person to give him a sort of epithet was Rouge. 

“Oh!” Sonic seemed about as surprised by it as Shadow was. “Just a nickname I guess, what you prefer faker?” Sonic jokes, trying to quell the slightly awkward atmosphere. Shadow just let out hmph to Sonic’s amusement. The hero continued “Actually, I’m really happy you’re here! I wanted to talk to you a bit.” 

Rouge, and an unwilling Omega, had been watching the situation. The bat was entirely confused at the sudden companionship. She was used to Shadow mumbling about how that ‘blue hedgehog’ confused him or what, exactly he was at face value, he was just a hedgehog like any other, but Shadow had a strange proclivity toward him. 

Shadow furrowed his brow, he deemed the blue one’s behavior as suspicious. He looked to the bat, given she had superior social skills as compared to his, and she gave him a nod. Although he was advised to continue, he wasn’t receptive to the blue hero on the basis that he couldn’t help but be confused, and suspicious at the idea of whatever he wanted to speak with him for. “Is this a private matter?” Shadow asked, injecting his voice with unnecessary attitude. 

Sonic remained unaffected, as per usual, smiling unabashedly. “Nah, it doesn't matter or anything. Just wanted to say that you didn’t have to apologize for the other day.” Sonic scratched the back of his neck, “I guess I’m not used to someone who can keep up, heh, I was just sorta stunned.” 

He hated himself for feeling both relieved and flattered. In his warped mind, he knew he should avoid social interaction for a myriad of reasons, one being he had avoided both Sonic and Rouge the past few days was because he saw that the bioengineered weapon side of him, the side with a proclivity for violence was making itself known. He rebuked Gerald for granting him the ‘gift’ of emotion because it wasn’t a gift at all. It wasn’t more than a complicated fail-safe in case he was to go rogue like the failed prototype, the biolizard. 

It was awfully shameful for revealing in the positive compliments. Not being equipped to deal with the feeling he just sort of shrugged letting out a “humph, figures.” Choosing to answer to the final portion of his statement. 

Sonic, with his never faltering positivity, smiled to the admittedly dismissive answer. “Dude, we should chill more! I just realized you can actually keep up with uphill runs too!” 

Rouge, who the hedgehogs had forgotten the presence of, piped up. “Why not start now, hun? Grumpy over here needs a pick me up and some things for his room.” she said while gesturing over to the aforementioned black hedgehog. 

And so, team dark and their newest, honorary member for the day, set off in the wild jungle that was the mall. They casually talked, mostly Rouge and Sonic playing catch up, each trying their best to include a disengaged Shadow. He didn’t outright dismiss them, seeing as their attempts to include him were good-natured and, contrary to popular belief, he didn’t take pleasure in making those around him miserable, he just seemed to have that quality. 

“See any stores you like?” Rouge asked, eyeing the hybrid who glanced around the building curiously, taking in the unfamiliar atmosphere. 

Shadow shifted his attention from the lines of storefronts to her expecting turquoise irises. With a tone of indifference he spoke, “I don’t have a preference.” And he really didn’t, still new to the world he had little in the way of inclinations regarding frivolous things. 

Sonic cocked his brows at this strange response. “C’mon, there has to be something you like.” Side eying the hot topic at the other side of the mall. 

Shadow could only sigh, he thought that Sonic and co already had a handle on his circumstances. Apparently, he had to explain himself once more. “You seem to forget that I am foreign to this planet, not only that, I’m a weapon, I’m not meant for such activities.” 

The hero laughed it off, as he did with most things, finding amusement in Shadow’s odd speech pattern. “You keep saying that weapon thing, Shad. I don’t think hedgehogs count as weapons but I’d be happy to show you some cool places!” While Sonic was a ball of smiles and sunshine, Rouge couldn’t help but be concerned. Is this what it was all about? Shadow felt that he couldn't enjoy things? Rouge had observed that Omega, indisputably a machine built for war, took pleasure in things in life. The flicker in the lights of the robot when presented with a new bottle of WD-40 was evidence enough of his ability to feel pleasure. 

Said robot, who was tasked with toting around Rouge’s Sephora bags, gave her a confused expression with his limited means of expressing his thought process. Rouge turned to Shadow, trying to veer the group into the hot topic, seeing as it may be able to crack a smile out of the hybrid. “Blue’s got a point, you have a soul and a heart. Why don't you just let your quills down for a bit and enjoy yourself, sweetheart?” 

This suggestion from the two of them was a sudden invasion and a direct contrast to his long-held beliefs regarding how he viewed himself and his purpose. In the moment he let out a huff to acknowledge their statements because he was still considering the ramifications of him allowing himself to indulge a bit. 

He recalled his time on the ARK, when he would be reprimanded for being delighted by the shows or songs Maria loved. He was reminded by the scientists, to not get used to these comforts, that he was only allowed to engage with toys and such because the professor's granddaughter requested it. 

Really, he wasn't ever to meet Maria. Something he found out years into their friendship. But the professor's grandeur, ostentatious, glee at the success of Shadow while he was an infant. He couldn’t contain his excitement, even around the young Maria, on his newest, most viable solution to her diseases that she demanded to see. The moment she had seen it wasn’t what she expected, that being a malformed congealed group of cells or a grotesque excuse for a lizard, but a baby mobian hedgehog. Instantly she fell in love. 

Despite his trepidation regarding his fragile granddaughter being acquainted with such a beast, he could never deny her. And so they became inseparable best friends, partners in strife and monotony that could always turn to each other for an easy dose of serotonin. 

It was sort of scary to entertain vulnerability. He couldn’t be promised happiness, it didn't come easy to him like it did for others. But, he didn’t actively seek it out. Somedays, it seemed like an impossible task to even get out of bed in the first place. But that was separate from his unwillingness to entertain the smaller luxuries in life. Weapons, cures, bioengineered projects aren't supposed to enjoy the little things, they are to work, to be used. And here he was told the opposite. 

He was called back to reality when he was confronted with the opening of the store Rouge swore was made for him. He entered and Sonic immediately looked put off, which Shadow found immusing and fascinating. All three of his companions were passing off items that they felt would suit him. He couldn’t refrain from purchasing a few items. He got a T-shirt from a band, some ripped skinny jeans he thought were cool that Sonic teased him for until he saw him in them and claimed he looked nice, a comfy tie dye sweater, and some nail polish amongst other trinkets that Rouge offered to pay for, to which he declined. One thing Shadow found fascinating was that when he was inspecting a shirt with a graphic from a novel he enjoyed in his youth, Sonic’s eyes lit up upon looking at it. 

“Oh! You like The Outsiders too!” Sonic said, beaming at the topic at hand. 

Shadow was perplexed at the notion of Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog, reading and even enjoying books. “You… like reading?” 

“Yeah man!” He smiled. “Have you ever read Catcher in the rye? Main character kinda reminds me of you.”

Still a little stunned, Shadow continued slowly. “I have…”

Sonic playfully poked Shadow in the shoulder, to which he slightly recoiled in the sudden action. “Heh, pretty shocking right? There's a lot more to me than you’d know Shads.” 

“Hmph, there are many things you don’t know about me as well.” 

“Then we’ll have to hang more!” Sonic said with a wink and instantly carried on with inspecting things in the store as if that exchange didn’t happen. The same couldn’t be said for the dark one as he was frozen for a split second before carrying on with combing through the store. Unbeknownst to the two of them, Rouge had watched the entire interaction with a twinkle in her eye. She could already see the potential for something more than a rivalry. 

It was after that they stopped at a store called Claire's, Sonic and Omega seemed to groan at the prospect of being there but Rouge was the undisputed leader of this field trip and she had her eyes set on a cheap pair of earrings she could snag without the manager noticing. She stopped when she noticed Shadow wistfully staring at a little girl getting her ears pierced for ‘free’.

“You want your ears pierced, don’t you Shadow?” Rouge said with a sly smirk to Shadow, who was staring at the free piercing station without shame. 

“N-no!” The stutter and the faint blush told her all she needed to know before he was ushered into the seat with no objections. He was cheered on by his accomplices as a fake diamond stud was pushed through his velvety black ears. It was child's play to him, he found the encouragement entertaining anyway, not that he’d let them know. When he was presented with a mirror to see the result, he couldn’t contain the small smile. It complemented his appearance nicely, working to only advance his generous looks.  
It was not long after that Sonic had gone his separate way, not without insisting on giving Shadow an awkward ‘bro hug’, and team dark went home. Shadow was content with the day, more than content actually. He was an introvert in every sense of the word but he couldn’t deny that he was in good company. The strange tightness he’d felt tug at his heart when Rouge had comforted him or when his apologizes had been accepted or even all the way back when Maria would pull him into her embrace and permeated throughout his body. He felt lighter, his mental baggage that he lugged around was easier to carry. 

Despite how much he wished to deny it, he was thankful for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me living vicariously and projection onto Sonic characters AGIAN. 
> 
> Anyways, sorry this took forever, I've been dealing with shit in my personal life like the semester ending, mental health bullshit, and figuring out my sexuality. All very fun and cool highschooler age stuff :/ 
> 
> EDIT: Don't get your ears pierced at claire's y'all, there's a lot of safer options lol. Good thing shad can't get infections haha


	9. Sister's Consultation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rouge and Shadow eat dinner.

It was later that same day, over a bucket of chicken that she was at the dinner table with her teammates that she remembered her earlier conversation. She was thankful that Shadow was no longer shy about eating as he accepted the tenders and tried them in a variety of sauces. 

She couldn’t help but be entertained by the glint of excitement in his burgundy eyes when he got to indulge in the small luxuries that this foreign world had to offer. She didn’t mean to stare, but it was strange to see the normally stoic figure let his disciplined veil fall back when he double-dipped, leaving a bit of orange sauce on the side of his lip slightly extended to his cheek. The effigy of adolescence was completed with the addition of his newly pierced ear, band t-shirt and skin-tight, ripped skinny jeans. It certainly didn’t align with the ‘principles and manners’ he claimed to be raised with, which proved to be strides in his development to be a more content hedgehog. 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Shadow barked, ripping Rouge out of her musings as he finally addressed the mess on his muzzle with a napkin. She could only smile at his attempt to appear intimidating with his glower despite the fact that he was still leaning over a plate of chicken. He continued, “Why do you insist on staring at me?” 

Rouge picked at her food lightly, “I was just thinking.. What were you talking about, earlier, when you mentioned that weapon stuff?” 

Shadow gave her a skeptical look with sharp eyes and features. “Aren't you the one that had to find information on ‘Project Shadow’, courtesy of G.U.N? You should know all about that.” 

Rouge swallowed dryly, “Yes, I know about the situation. But.. I wanted to know more about how you feel about it.” 

Shadow itched his cheek, one of his confused or conflicted tics that Rouge had observed, and finally, but apprehensively opened his mouth to answer her. “What is there to feel? To me, it is merely a fact of life. I am a bioengineered weapon with being a soldier as my intended purpose.”  
She, too, played upon her features as she considered the fragility of the subject she dared to grace. “You don’t have any… negative feelings toward it?” 

“What are you getting at?”

“I just..” For once in her life, the elite agent found herself at a loss for words. She knew what she wanted him to say, but not how to jump over the hurdles necessary to get there. “I’m going to be frank with you, Shadow.” Her eyes turned soft. “I get the feeling that maybe… I just don’t want you feeling like you can’t enjoy things. I want you to feel happy Shadow.” 

Maybe Shadow didn’t give her enough credit, or maybe he gave himself too much. Whatever the case was, she had seen something in him that even he himself hadn't seen. In retrospect, they were two sides of the same coin in invulnerability. From the moment he met her, her aura of deceitfulness could not be mistaken given her underhanded eyes and the way she carried herself was purposefully balletic. Really, it was a wonder he even accepted her involvement with the whole eclipse cannon debacle. Surely, if it wasn’t for her clearly malevolent intentions, he would have turned up his nose at her offer. Or maybe her irresistible persuasion even extended to the Ultimate Lifeform. 

But her charismatic overlay of effortless charisma wasn’t present in her face any longer. It was replaced with something much more sincere. She didn’t look graceful with her lips downturned into a pout and her brows furrowed in open concern but that was the beauty of it. 

Now that he was coaxed out of his shell by her apparently genuine concern, he was willing to address her prying. Not knowing where to start, he took it from the top. “I don’t feel that I should openly enjoy things, am I wrong in that? In my youth, I was reminded that I was a tool to be used as my creators see fit, so when I would go and enjoy things on my own accord, I’d often be reminded that I was a project, a weapon and that I was built with a purpose. I suppose none of that matters now, my creator is long deceased.” 

“Honey..” Rouge reached across the table and held Shadow’s hands in hers with the same tenderness a mother would to her child. Shadow found that he had distinct destain for the undeniable pity painted on her features, but he couldn’t find it in himself to avert his eyes. “..you deserve happiness. You deserve much more than you’ve been given in this life. I know this is different from what you’ve been told, but, you’re a person, you know? Your life is your own and you should try to start living it.” 

Compliments that weren’t based on his capacity for destruction or the genius of his creator, but rather a compliment on his character was a scarcity in his existence. He cursed himself for feeling tears prick at the sides of his eyes, threatening to spill over in a blink. 

“And no matter how much you want to lie to yourself, you’re still ‘a youth’, Shad. Fifty years doesn't count if it’s fifty years frozen. Honestly, if I were you, I’d be out doing some crazy shit like vandalizing parks or smoking my first cigarette. Typical shithead teen stuff, y’know?” Ah yes, very wise words coming from the woman who was quickly transforming into a conglomerate of the hybrid’s new big sister/maternal figure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this ones so short lol. Btw this isn't a shadouge fic, it's all platonic, I'm gonna force Sonic and Shadow to hang out more soon.
> 
> EDIT: Y'all I got fanart for this chapter :))) https://bigthecatreal.tumblr.com/post/642770664200323072/a-little-thing-based-on-a-really-really-good-fic Seriously recommend checking it out


	10. In the Line of Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just your average run in with Eggman.

There are many ways to describe Shadow the Hedgehog. The public would describe him with a variety of words, some of which including stolid, pugnacious, dour, ruthless, unhinged, detached, the list was an endless sea of negativity. And it did make sense to Sonic. He, too, once thought the same of the hybrid. Another malefactor for him to take down until the stakes were as high as the fate of the world and he saw him as more of a dire threat. 

But, his initial impression was shattered the moment he saw him descend to the earth with a face full of content and acceptance at his unfortunate fate beneath him. The sudden loss of the reformed project made the situation a pyrrhic victory that could’ve been evaded entirely if not for the manipulation of his vengeful creator. Through his amnesiac episode, Sonic questioned if that heroic hedgehog who had met his demise in the atmosphere was the same as the one in front of him. But he should’ve known better than to question the Ultimate Lifeform. 

The air was alive with the murmurs and buzzing of the employees at GUN. Every soldier in the facility knew that their days of sitting pretty at computers and over forms could come to an abrupt end at any given moment when considering the fact that the ever infamous domestic terrorist under the epithet ‘Eggman’ hadn’t made an attempt at insurrection in over a month. Under normal circumstances, the Guardian Units of Nations would leave the maniac to the loose band of overpowered Mobian teens with too much time on their hands known as the freedom fighters, but today, the city had been unceremoniously attacked by said doctor.

Team dark fit awkwardly in that blurred line between GUN agent and freelance mercenary band. Their moral convictions didn’t fully align themselves with either. They shared the same wanderlust and contempt for authority figures as the freedom fighters but not their squeaky clean image and faithful devotion to untainted heroism. Making them the perfect squadron to lead the soldiers into battle. 

Taking the tactical approach, Rouge worked as the eyes. Taking the sky as her point of leverage, she fed information to those below on where to strike, utilizing her proclivity for leadership and adroit knowledge of military tactics to fuel her words. Omega was working as the muscle, taking down the inferior robots with a shower of bullets from his built-in machine guns. Shadow took the front lines, forever the wild card as he insisted.

Despite her disapproval with his safety in mind, Rouge knew the hybrid possessed an indomitable will with a goal in sight. His audacious tendencies led him to the front lines in the heat of the battle. Which is where Sonic came into play. 

Despite their informalities, Sonic & co were a formidable force in combat. It was the unique mix of technique and camaraderie that granted them that ability. But, despite his concerned friends, Sonic’s impulsive, to the extent of recklessness, personality drove him to confront his nemesis head-on. That’s one of the many things the two hedgehogs had in common, a foolhardy drive to be the world's savior birthed from the altruism they both possessed deep down inside. 

But the difference between the two was Sonic’s open acceptance to assistance when needed and Shadow’s stubborn insistence on keeping his martyr complex intact under the guise of ‘playing the unaided lone wolf’. 

In retrospect, It was a good thing GUN was present for this battle as it had seemed Robotnik had concocted something much more nefarious this time around. He had his usual fleet of robots and of course, he took center stage with the biggest, baddest, robot amongst them but it was what he was using as his means of destruction and the location, in the middle of a busy city, that was so destructive. 

Sonic was never too busy smashing robots and posing for the camera to notice his arch-rival darting around creating carnage. Really, he was hard to miss with his distinctive and admittedly unnatural color scheme of black and red. Even in the heat of battle, he couldn’t resist the temptation that was teasing the self-proclaimed Ultimate Lifeform. 

“Heya Shadz! Didn’t think I’d get to see ya again so soon.” Sonic commented, not before making a point to smash the robot the hybrid was after to further capture his attention. 

Shadow socked a robot in its face, sending it flying backward in a flourish to the bots waiting behind it. “Just focus,” He was interrupted by a robot lunging at him, to which he roundhoused in the face “on the task at hand Sonic.” 

To this, Sonic continued his usual charade of spin dashes and homing attacks, keeping close to the agent to keep the conversation alive. “Yeah but, I can multitask.” 

Shadow could only bother to groan as a response to what he perceived to be Sonic’s insolence. He had to stay focused, perform as the perfect soldier he was and crush his enemies with no mercy. Shadow made scrap metal of the onslaught of robots and quickly deemed the task beneath him. Pumping chaos energy out of his boots, he lunged himself to the biggest robot. It was while he was busy ramming his body into the side of the machine as a homing attack that he heard his colleagues cry out. 

He whipped his head around to find that Eggman had resorted to much dirtier tactics than what was expected from him. The deranged scientist had what could best be described as a bomb launcher that he weaponized the now defenseless GUN soldiers. 

He didn’t have time to think twice before throwing himself at the situation. Shadow would usher the soldiers to retreat, insisting that he could handle this situation entirely on his own. Despite the soldiers feeling as though his heroism was an act of hubris, they had no choice but to follow his command at the threat of their own lives. Quickly the soldiers were humble as they were grateful they were not the ones taking the shrapnel to the flesh as Eggman launched bombs at the skyscrapers of the city. 

His intention was to create a collective hysteria so that his ‘empire’ could be considered a threat and his demands realized. Shadow had no interest in his plan coming to fruition and he made it clear by his ruthless defense of the city. Sonic, who had moved on to the main robot that bore the host of the destruction, had kept the erratic hybrid in his peripheral vision. He couldn’t help but admire his movements as he twisted in turns, contracting and pulling his muscles that hid under a glossy coat. 

He didn’t bother to attempt to understand it, but it was something about knowing of the hybrid’s presence in the battle field that filled him with confidence. It was a mix of his expertise, deft motions, and sheer determination that seemed infectious. The hero had found himself more ambitious in light of his rivals' incessant bout. He moved onto the main robot, as Shadow had done before, and attacked it in his absence while he was taking the physical brunt of Eggman’s attack. 

The machine was losing its bearings as the hedgehog continued his abuse. It was only when a facet of the face of the machine had started to cough up smoke that Eggman was forced to address the Blue pest. With a tooth-bearing scowl, he started. “You think you can defeat me hedgehog?” He spoke in a manner so that everyone in the facility could hear the conversation. 

Sonic, forever his cocky, gregarious, self retorted. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I just did.” 

“Wellhelhel, you’re in for a surprise, aren't you then.” He wore the smile of a mad man as he made sure to include dramatics when slamming down on the button which started a low rumble. To his surprise, Eggman had detached along with himself, along with a personal flight pod, from the robot, hovering above it. “I’ve equipped this robot with a detonation device, meaning, this thing will self-destruct, making a crater out of this city!” 

Sonic knew what he said wasn’t a bluff when he picked up on a rhythmic tick buried deep inside. He could barely hear Rouge’s panicked instructions to her soldiers or Knuckles calls to come back before Shadow materialized before him, attaching himself to the bomb. 

“Wait! Shadow!” Sonic begged. But he was too late. Shadow said those two magic words before he and the robot evaporated, only to be hanging in limbo over a mile above the crowd fresh out of a splendid and blinding light. The little blue savior always found himself in awe when the Ultimate lifeform displayed his experience with chaos manipulation. But, his astonishment was cut short by the dread when the machine combusted and erupted into its crescendo with a thunderous sound that shook the windows of the structures around them. 

Sonic wasn’t concerned with the scrap metal that cascaded down to the earth below. He had faith that his team could handle the civilians that rushed out of the area in an anxious stampede, but he didn’t believe, however, that anyone would be seeking for the fallen warrior. That’s the best word he could think to use for him. 

The emotions that he had thought he laid to rest months ago had clawed their way out of the grave he buried them in. The familiar feeling of intense grief and resentment for the outcome of the situation washed over him like a dam being broken all over again, now amplified from having further insight into Shadow’s true character. 

It was in moments like this, when he held the hybrid’s body, mutilated in tatters, his fur stained with blood and mouth lazily ajar, that he was reminded of the accurate way to describe him as he limped down the street. He possessed a unique insouciance when it came to his own well being as compared to the life of others. He happily filled the role of the sacrificial lamb without a single grievance. He had unmatched fortitude in the face of strife, never pliable to the pressure that many others bent to. But, he was never without compassion, despite what his near-permanent frown would tell you. 

His emotions would remain surreptitious as would his past, but it was heavily implied by the context he had given them that it was nothing short of excruciating. Sonic could see in the lack of regard of his own life that he still carried the burden of the pain on his back. That the ramifications were still very real in his everyday life. 

He was a misunderstood hero, one more selfless than them all. And the blue blur, he couldn’t stand the thought of losing him again after being reminded of how hard the thoughts and the tears plagued him the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a Tumblr post for words to describe Shadow for writers if you need it: https://juju-pkmn5.tumblr.com/post/642039971084140544/words-to-discribe-shadow-the-hedgehog-for-fanfic cuz I'm trying not to be so repetitive lol. 
> 
> P.S Happy Birthday Knuckles :))


	11. Just Fraternizing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonic and Tails help Shadow recover against his will

“He’s alive, right?” 

“Yes Sonic, he’s alive.” groaned the fox kit as he was busy taking a reading on the hybrid. “Actually, his recovery rate is unprecedented! Maybe I can conduct some-”

“At least ask the guy first!” Sonic shamelessly interjected to the fox’s presumptive proposal. “He did just save ours, and everyone else's butts y’know?” 

Tails should've expected this sort of response from his brother, he looked up to him for a reason after all. As much as he’d love to look into the bioengineered hedgehog hybrid’s surely unusual genetics, he knew Sonic was right. He smiled lightly and wrote down the data on his vitals. 

It was after the battle that Sonic proposed they send him straight to the hospital, but, to his surprise, Rouge insisted that they don’t. Fearing for the striped one’s safety due to the sheer amount of blood he was losing, Sonic was desperate to find something! That’s when he remembered that his best friend is a child prodigy and was practically capable of anything. 

So a now limp and barely clinging onto consciousness Shadow was draped upright in the back seat like a little girl would for her doll on a chair for a tea party. It wasn’t a pretty sight by any means but it was effective, Sonic made sure to strap on the seat belt and a helmet for good measure. Before they left, Rouge told them to tell Shadow about her and a hospital and GUN or something or other. 

So now he was laid out on a recliner that had been shoved into Tails’ lab with the fox inspecting his body in its languid state. He did the standard procedure for a check-up after dressing his wounds and taking his vitals. He lifted the black lids to stick a flashlight over his iris to hear a yelp followed by “What the hell do you think you’re doing!”

Yup. Shadow was going to be just fine. 

Shadow struggled to sit himself up so that his back no longer relied on the plush backing of the chair, much to Sonic’s displeasure. 

“Hey, take it easy there, man!” Encouraged Sonic seeing as Shadow still wasn’t in great health. “We.. we almost lost you there!”

Shadow furrowed his brows at the blue creature's words. Losing him in his meaning. “Lost? What do you mean lost?” 

The hero shifted, not knowing how to approach such a difficult subject. “Y’know..” He gestured to his throat, making a ‘slit’ with his hand complete with a sound effect to imply death. “..lost ya.”

He felt compelled to laugh, although he maintained his dour exterior. “You can’t be serious Sonic, do you forget who I am?” 

By now Tails had left the room to run diagnostics on Shadow’s condition, just in case, the self-proclaimed Ultimate Lifeform really did need further medical attention but; he also felt after Sonic’s tirade of extolling the hybrid after the imbroglio that leads to the threat of his demise, his brother could use a moment with him to mend his reeling mind. Not to mention Tails was rather wary of their new house guest.

Sonic took the bold step of sitting on the arm of said recliner so that he could be closer to the hybrid. Despite his irritation at the action, Shadow didn’t scold him, curious despite himself at what prompted his maneuver. “Yeah, I guess you’re right… but y’know I lost you once, you can’t blame me for thinking it might happen again.” 

Contrary to what he allowed his face to express, he was shocked to hear the hero bring up his supposed death. He figured it was nothing but a mere blip in the grand scheme of the things, things being Sonic’s thrilling and eventful lifestyle. “What is my death to you?” Although it was sudden, he can’t imagine his loss being entirely remarkable. He lived and died his purpose, it was a miracle granted by the Robotnik’s gifted lineage that he was still here at all. 

Sonic was paralyzed in horror for a solid second before addressing the egregious question. “What? You can't be serious Shadz. You’re my friend! We all missed you when you.. Well, when we thought you were gone!” 

Shadow closed his eyes and finally let himself relax into the back of the chair. “You use the word ‘friend’ quite loosely, don’t you hedgehog?” 

“Not really.” 

Shadow had to revel in it for a moment. Never did he consider how his death impacted those around him. And, if anyone did care, he just assumed it was Rouge and no one else, especially not Sonic of all people. He started to see Sonic and his pesky group under a different shade of light, assuming the hero wasn’t lying for whatever reason. Could it be possible for their heroic, untainted hearts to care for such a creature in such a short amount of time? 

“You feeling any better?” Sonic asked trying his best to rip Shadow out of whatever thought process was taking place in his head as he could practically hear the gears shifting and turning under that head of quills. 

The hybrid stretched a bit, taking silent notes on his recovery and making estimates on when he would be back to full ability. He shifted slightly in his chair to peer up to the hero who hadn't broken his stare. In that face he was used to seeing in frozen in a smirk or a flashy smile was in something harder to place. It was a smile, but somehow it was different. “I’m fine.” And when those words escaped tan lips, he saw Sonic’s face again contort into something else. 

Sonic's eyes were no longer as soft and riddled with fear, and his smile; the thousand-watt smile that captured the hearts of millions replaced the crooked, sympathetic one he wore before. Concerned was a new look for the hero, according to Shadow. 

Now that he was content in the other’s condition, Sonic moved away from the recliner as Shadow lifted himself up and away from the back. The hero started to pace around the floor, poking at objects and rolling them in his fingers. 

“You move a lot.” Shadow stated rather suddenly, having watching Sonic fiddle around with the half-finished trinkets of Tails’ lab. 

Turned around to face his rival, leaning against the wall. “Forever the observant one I see. Yup, ADHD will do that.” Sonic smiled, slipping back into his usual cocky image. Shadow only gave a slightly confused expression. “Oh yeah, I got ADHD, felt like it was obvious, although I don't want to perpetuate that stereotype that it’s all hyper, no focus stuff, y’know.”  
“I can’t say I do.” Shadow admitted, finding it strangely easy to talk to his rival now that the subject had diverted away from him. 

Sonic opened his mouth for a second and closed it for a moment. “Oh yeah.. I forget you came from space… 50 years ago… basically, it’s a disorder where you like, sometimes have a problem with focusing or focusing too much. I also have to like, move a lot? I’m not doing the good explaining, am I?” 

Seeing Sonic in this semi-vulnerable state was a strange anomaly, it almost felt sacred. “No, you’re doing fine.”

“Cool! I mean everything is different for everyone, but I get like, antsy? Is that the word? And it can be so annoying when I hyper fixate, like one time I was reading this book and I swear Tails was calling for me for like ten minutes before I noticed.” Sonic smiled, finding it strange how easy it was to talk to his rival. He always assumed, despite his good opinion of him, that Shadow was incapable of holding a conversation for the life of him. And although he was doing all the talking, it still felt reciprocated. 

Then the true anomaly happened, Shadow smiled. It wasn’t anything to write home about, but sonic saw it in all of its demure charm. “I still can’t get over that” he adopted a playfully mocking tone “Sonic the hedgehog, hero of Mobius,” and switched back to his usual tone with an airy inflection “reads for fun.” 

Sonic laughed at Shadow’s little taunt. It was a change of pace from their high-speed competitions, but a welcome one. Who knew with so few words he could learn so much about the ever-elusive hybrid. “Yeah, yeah. Gotta be some weird hobby you have I can tease you about, grumpy.” 

Shadow shrugged. “Sorry to disappoint but I have no such thing.” 

“Come on!” Sonic groaned dramatically. “Humour me here, what do you do in your free time.”

“Work.”

“Free time, Shadow.” 

Work was what took up a large majority of his time. He could think of a few things that he indulged in, he liked just aimlessly skating around, the Ark used to be so suffocating. He likes to look at flowers and sometimes picture Maria beside him, but it was bittersweet and he preferred to keep that to himself. Then he questioned why he even considered telling the blue hedgehog in the first place. “What makes you think I’m going to tell you.” 

Sonic’s instantly lit up in a flurry of excitement and vindication. The change was so sudden it was enough to throw Shadow. “So you do have hobbies!”  
Shadow grit his teeth and averted his gaze away from the blue one in irritation. Being a highly qualified agent, he should know better than to fall victim to silly little tricks like these. Yet, here was Sonic, invading his personal space because he had the ability to infer his ‘cryptic’ words. “The point still stands, hedgehog.” Shadow spat. “I don’t owe you any information on my personal life.”

Sonic backed away, his mood slightly damped indicated by his body language becoming less excitable in its motions. “Well, yeah, you don’t owe me anything but we were having a bro moment! 

“We weren’t having a ‘bro moment’.” Shadow grumbled, “Whatever in chaos’ name that is.” 

Sonic scrunched up his features, making a disapproving look at his rival. “Look, how ‘bout this. I’ll tell you one of my hobbies, something you totally wouldn’t expect if you tell me just one of any of yours.” Sonic raised his finger to further garner the ebon’s attention. “The only rule is, you can’t tell me something super obvious like fighting or chaos controlling or something.”

“I don’t enjoy fighting,” Shadow stated rather flatly. “It is just a necessity when being the ultimate lifeform.” 

Sonic rolled his eyes. “Tell that to the awesome sparring match we had a couple of weeks back.” He got up, finding to stay in his position uncomfortable. “So, deal or no deal.” 

“Hmm..” Shadow hummed. Despite himself, he finding this entire situation incredibly entertaining. “You first.”

“Ok, ok so-” It just so happened to be now, in the midst of Sonic’s confession, that Tails re-entered the room holding a small stack of papers. 

Tails smiled politely, despite feeling the anxiety he gets around Shadow. He knew he wasn’t a bad guy, but his ambiance, per se, could be off-putting. Almost as off-putting as those unnatural ruby eyes, or the obsidian claws he had a peek at during his evaluation. “You look a lot better Shadow.. Not that you looked bad before..haha. You're free to go if you want to of course.”

Shadow graciously took his cue to leave. Standing up from the recliner and stretching his arms when he shocked everyone within earshot. “Thank you, Miles. Farewell.” His simple thanks were enough to stun the fox and the hedgehog. Especially the kit, not pinning Shadow of one capable of gratitude. 

They were so in shock, no one moved showed him out. Tails’ shock was elongated when Sonic recounted their conversation earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I wrote a conversation like this in one of my other fics so I'm so sorry if I'm making anyone get Deja Vu lmao. Also, I have ADHD so ofc I have to self project you know how it is, should I give him some stims? If so, which ones? I do a lot of bouncy ones lol


	12. Much Needed Lecture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rouge gives Shadow a well-needed lesson. 
> 
> cw// discussions/ themes of mental illness, disabilities, disorders, and ableism

Shadow was opening up a lot faster than Rouge had anticipated. It wasn’t an expeditious process by any means, but you can’t really be disappointed when you didn’t have expectations in the first place. 

She was ashamed to admit it, but in the beginning, she believed him to be so far gone that he was past the point of ‘normacly’. Seeing him now, sitting next to her on the couch watching something as mindless as Dr. Phil, looking so domestic, was mindboggling. He didn’t ever need to know of her doubts, especially not now. Especially after he seems to be building new bridges. 

His muted but present huff of amusement to the antics that unfolded on the television screen reminded her of his most recent interpersonal development besides making enemies with the manager at work. A couple of days ago, Shadow had described his brief encounter with Sonic. It came as a surprise to her that her teammate felt the need to bring it up, and even more so when he seemed receptive to her evaluation on the encounter. 

If she was to be honest, it felt like he was trying to figure himself out by running through the situation with her, ricochetting possible explanations for their conversation on their way to work that morning. Sure chaos control was quick and efficient for the team, but a walk down a couple of blocks did them all well. Rouge would claim she needed to lose weight, despite loving her perfect body the way that it was, and Omega liked to ‘scan the premises’ as a robot does, and Shadow, he never stated a reason, just went with it. But the real reason, besides the refreshing morning air, was the pleasant conversations that would transpire between the trio that would urge them to grow that much closer. 

But that was beside the point; Shadow was initially under the impression that the blue hedgehog wanted something from him, using his charisma to coax out some detail of his life so that it may be used as ammo against him. Now, Rouge may not be the trusting type, and she may not be the closest to the baby blue hero, but she possessed a power her dear Shadow lacked; social skills. And from what information she did manage to get out of her friend, Sonic was looking for a friend in the hybrid. 

She had to stifle a cackle that morning. One that didn’t go unnoticed by Omega. They differently had a lot of similarities if you looked past Sonic’s omnipresent ebullient disposition that contradicted Shadow’s melancholic one, but, she would be hard-pressed to find somebody the Ultimate lifeform willingly considered a friend openly, her included. The people he held in that regard were long gone, only alive to him. So she couldn’t imagine Sonic of all people attaining it. 

While Omega suggested maiming him, which was promptly shut down, Rouge decided to play a little mind game. Now she knew manipulation was wrong, especially for someone so vulnerable to this sort of thing due to social ignorance, but some social interaction could do wonders for the kid. She suggested that Shadow evaluate the situation, to get a better feel on whatever Sonic was planning. 

It seems as though he forgot her proposition. Well, that was until his statement brought her back to the present. 

“Sonic said he has ADHD.” Shadow mumbled while choosing to disengage by watching the mindnumbing program. 

Rouge hummed. “A lot of people have that, must be hard.” Turning her ears belonging to her striped counterpart. 

His look grew to be more pensive as he took a moment. With eyes of concern, he spoke “Why would he tell me something like that?” 

Now he had her full attention. His voice was strange for the topic of conversation. “What do you mean?” She tried to keep her voice indifferent, despite what he was saying. 

He sounded slightly accusatory in tone. “Why would he be so willing to share that he is broken?” 

Before he could properly react, Rouge had pushed him hard enough to get her point across but not with enough focus to hurt him. Despite that, he instinctively lurched back in surprise to the contact. “What the hell was that for!”

She made sure he understood that she was entirely serious by the action with an uncharacteristic, stern frown. “Shadow, what is wrong with you? You can’t go around saying shit like that!” But her anger quickly subsided when she could read the earnest confusion turned concerned present in his body language. That’s when it clicked into place, all the evidence to back it up, he saw himself as an object. It made sense in the context that he viewed himself as a weapon, but she never figured it would extend past that. 

“Broken..” She started, “Shadow… Sonic isn’t broken. That’s.. an unhealthy way to view things.” She could see the offense build upon his face. “Just, think of it as, a different way to see things and live, I guess.” She didn’t know how to properly articulate her thoughts. She knew he didn’t mean to be antagonistic, and if you were basing it off intention he wasn’t. 

With Shadow’s ignorance came explanations for seemingly simple concepts that, with its nature of just being for the inhabitants of earth, didn’t have simple explanations. And the worst of it was, he relied on her explanations for his understanding of the concept entirely as he did not have internet access or many friends. So how was she to explain the concept of nerodivergence without downplaying the everyday effects of various disabilities and illnesses without giving the impression that disabled and mentally ill folk couldn’t or shouldn’t function? Ableism wasn’t a good look.

The situation was only exacerbated by the underlying themes of deeper rooted issues she could identify within Shadow. Especially when it came to his ‘daydreams’, she could see that his trauma had left an impression. Whether this was indicative of a mental issue was beside the point; she didn’t want to say anything to dissuade him from seeking help. And, she knew how volatile his emotions can be even though she’s only known him for a comparatively short time, she didn’t want him to come to the conclusion that he was incapable of improving. 

She knew to tread lightly on thin ice, here goes nothing. “Everyone deserves respect Shad, and you know Sonic, he is very capable of many things despite how other things may be more difficult to him than for others. Don’t worry your pretty little head about people being ‘broken’ hon, if they need help they will get help and if you feel like they need it, ask them. A good part of helping humanity is just understanding and acceptance, y’know?” She hoped to chaos above she was doing a good job. She would hate to be responsible for a misinformed but hopefully, well-intentioned microaggressions from the hybrid. He criminalized himself enough as it is. 

He soaked in her words like a sponge. He didn’t want her to revel in his willingness to listen, chaos above knows she didn’t need an ego boost. But he always had an insatiable thirst for knowledge, one of the many reasons Gerald stopped at him when creating the Ultimate Lifeform. His limited access to information on this foreign planet made an excited and studious pupil out of him. He was grateful for her help. 

He nodded, agreeing with “I believe I understand.” Despite how vague her statements were and returned his attention back to the screen. Despite his attention no longer on the bat, the air still held thick for her. She yearned to understand what hid behind those ruby eyes. Forcing it out of him wasn’t the right way to build trust, obviously, but she could at least take her own advice. Then her heart dropped.

“Shadow, can I ask you something.” He shifted his focus to her, his silent way of agreeing. “Do you think you’re broken?” 

That was all it took for him to rise from his seat and attempt to leave, only to have his arm grabbed to drag him back down to the couch, gently. “Sweetheart… you don’t have to talk about it with you don’t want to, but it might be nice to work it out.” 

He knew she was right, she was always right, but digging up his apparent issues from the pit of denial he buried them in wasn’t a painless task. He stayed still, but he stayed silent as the unfamiliar feeling of comfort washed over him when Rouge clung onto his side, applying pressure. It was her attempt at deep pressure therapy, something she learned that might help on the internet. It pained her to see his mood shift so suddenly by her proposition, but it seemed to work slightly as he relaxed. 

Something momma used to say in times like this waltzed in her head, whispering sweetly into her ear. “You were wonderfully made.” Exited from her painted lips as though it was ripped right from her mother’s heart and spoken through Rouge as her vessel. The words were spoken with delicate eloquence even though her voice threatened to shake at the question of the last time she had been spoken to so tenderly. She clung on to the black body that much tighter, finding soon enough that she needed support as well. She was happy to feel it in the embrace being reciprocated by the hybrid.   
Though the moment was brief, it held a new significance in their relationship. It was understood that vulnerability would come with time, but support, that was readily available. 

She was the first to break contact in fear that if she cried, which was something Rouge never dared to do, mind you, it could fall on the other’s shoulder. She was content when she found that Shadow looked rather relaxed in her presence. He awkwardly offered the other side of ‘his’ blanket to Rouge. Although the gesture was unspoken, it spoke volumes. She graciously accepted, relaxing on the couch with her friend.

Once the air had thinned, she turned her attention back to the TV screen. Now that her mind wasn’t teeming with concern for the troubled hog and other emotions within herself that she didn’t care to address, she could focus on prying in other facets of his life. Like a sister should. “So what’s with you and Blue? You guys friends yet?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I used a lot of headcanons in this one lol, also self-projected a lot. Lemme explain:
> 
> So I feel like Shadow wouldn't know/understand shit abt like mental illness and all so he kinda has an unhealthy view of them bc of the pressure to be 'perfect' put on him on the ark which contributes to his shitty self-image. I̶ ̶a̶l̶s̶o̶ ̶m̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶a̶k̶e̶n̶ ̶i̶n̶s̶p̶i̶r̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶b̶r̶o̶k̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶p̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶S̶h̶a̶d̶o̶w̶ ̶2̶0̶0̶5̶,̶ ̶y̶e̶s̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶d̶e̶e̶p̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶h̶a̶d̶o̶w̶ ̶l̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶l̶o̶o̶k̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶.̶
> 
> Also the Rouge stuff: 'you were wonderfully made' was something my mom used to say to me (a Christian thing, I think it's pretty regardless of context tho) and it came back to haunt me to I may have put a bit to much of myself into Rouge this chapter haha... Anyways, I hc her not having the greatest upbringing (She's a thief at 18), and since a friendship is a two-way street Shadow's always there for her as well. 
> 
> Whoo sorry, that was a lot, anyways imma have more sonadow in the story soon dw and Sonic's ADHD isn't going to be much of a plot point anymore.


	13. He's Evocative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow's in denial.

Once the air had thinned, she turned her attention back to the TV screen. Now that her mind wasn’t teeming with concern for the troubled hog and other emotions within herself that she didn’t care to address, she could focus on prying in other facets of his life. Like a sister should. “So what’s with you and Blue? You guys friends yet?”

“No!” Spat back a defensive Shadow. 

“Jeez! No need to be like that! Unless there's more to it..” 

“Knock it off Rouge.” Shadow groaned, irritated by the prying on the inner mechanisms of his mind. He was also experiencing mental whiplash from just how dynamic their evening had become, he wasn't in the mood to have her perverse manipulation to further evoke difficult feelings. It wasn’t bad, necessarily, but he knew his emotions worked on a pendulum. In the back of his mind, it reminded him of his more insignificant conversations with his late sister that would consist of gibes of similar nature. 

“And how come you’re not friends? What’s your beef, darling?” Rouge sang with a bat of long lashes at her pugnacious counterpart. 

The sudden irritation felt as though he was one of Tails’ prized inventions under excruciating inspection. Although he wasn’t acquainted with the phrase ‘beef’ he could deduce it ran along the lines of holding a contentious, even vitriolic relationship. Shadow knew he put up an impressive front of indifference to the point of disapproval, maybe so well to the extent that his front was insidious to his own well being. Regardless, he didn’t harbor a profound dislike for the cobalt blue hero like many had suspected, at least not anymore. Yes, his stubborn persistence and brain-dead antics were more than enough to get on the hybrid’s nerves, and sometimes his rowdy disposition would give him headaches, but, despite Sonic’s shortcomings, Shadow couldn’t not acknowledge his unique charisma. Sonic possessed a debonair confidence to whomever he approached. Whether it be death himself or his closest companion, no one escaped his charm. 

Where Sonic was met with eager acceptance or enthusiastic rebukes, the reaction to Shadow was one of fear or aversion regardless of party. With the limited exception of Omega, Rouge… and Sonic. And maybe that’s why he found the blue boy gracing his thoughts so often. He was an enigma as well.

Shadow firmly believed he didn’t know the ‘real’ Sonic. No one constantly tossed into the maw of strife was just simply that selfless. Or was that the case? Shadow had done it, and continues to do it to atone for his past actions, but as far as he knows, Sonic had no actions to face the ramifications of. And it’s simplify a fallacy that Sonic’s not smart. He was able to derive near-guaranteed victories from whatever challenge he faced with little difficulty, and if there was a difficulty, Shadow was none the wiser. 

Maybe he was just envious of the way Sonic so effortlessly clicked with everyone around him. He never heard a bad word directed toward Sonic while his own sensitive ears could pick up on the comments directed toward him. Maybe he was jealous of Sonic’s uncanny ability to trust without conviction. Right after he attempted to detonate the earth, Sonic put all his faith in the fuscous hedgehog to save the world alongside him. 

Where Sonic could trust without a second thought, it was a multistep process to work past Shadow’s preconceived notions about everyone around him. Another unwanted byproduct of the abuse Shadow suffered in his childhood. Even though this new world was completely different to the one he was raised in, and so far, he hadn't been forced into any more unwanted experiments, well not since 50 years ago anyway, he still didn’t feel compelled to let his walls cave in. 

His old feelings of anxiety, waiting for that faithful buzzer to sound, ushering him back to the lab or training were now reincarnated into a dull distrust of his environment and constant hyper-vigilance that kept him on the edge. And sometimes, the dull but generalized fear would violently come back to bite Shadow in the ass as it had in the hospital. 

His living blue contradiction didn’t carry around the metaphorical raincloud that Shadow did, his smile rarely faltered. That’s why it was so shocking to hear that he even acknowledged Shadow’s ‘death’. Maybe that’s why he’s so evocative. Does he even know that he resides in Shadow’s mind as he apparently does in his? Does Sonic think of him often?

Respect. That was the correct word to describe his sentiments toward Sonic. Not curiosity, not amusement, not affection, respect is where it started and ended; according to Shadow. “We don't’ possess ‘beef’. For your information, we are not friends for many reasons, one of which being we are too different.” 

“Oh, Shadow,” The vivacious woman's wings lightly flutter to her sweetly spoken words. “Don’t you know, opposites attract.” 

“What the hell does that mean.” 

To that, Rouge leaned back and smirked, ready to open up a whole new can of worms. “You better buckle up bitch cause you’re about to find out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one's so short! It was supposed to be part of the last chapter but I felt like the tone switched up too much. Anyways I've been getting so much love recently, thank you all so much! 🥺💕


	14. Living Bliss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow gets out of the house

Maybe Rouge was right, for once. But she never needed to know it.

“It's this or your coming with me to take Omega to the car wash.” Rouge shouted from the living room of Team Dark’s apartment, purposefully loud enough so that everyone could hear. 

E-123 Omega managed to convey their excitement for the activity by enthusiastically pumping his fist. Through his robotic voice, he spoke “Shadow, there is a current special. The afternoon is scheduled to be free for both meatbags.” 

The horrors of matted fur and damp, oily, quills reminded him of why such a proposition was a threat. Then he looked to his other option. An opulent head of cerulean, neatly kept quills had a comical juxtaposition against a carefree smirk and tapping foot. Shadow sighed in hopeless defeat “I apologize Omega, it looks like I have other plans.” 

Though he may be ignorant regarding many subjects, he certainly wasn't stupid. He could put two and two together to see that Rouge must’ve gotten fed up with Shadow’s introversion and set him up on some sort of crud ‘playdate’ with his arch-rival. He couldn’t come up with another reason why Sonic the Hedgehog knew their address. 

Why Sonic agreed to it was a mystery to be solved with time. It could be because Rouge paid him whether it be in cash, favors, or most likely kisses or something. It could be that the hero simply had nothing else better to do, he could be here to mock the hybrid for his over-reliance on the bat for social interaction. Shadow concluded that the option that made the most sense was that Sonic simply pitied him and his unfortunate circumstance. 

He didn’t want pity, but he sealed his fate when the apartment door closed behind him and Sonic bounced over to meet his eyes in all his child-like excitement. “So! Now that you’re stuck with me for the day what do ya wanna do?”   
Shadow rolled his eyes at the rather presumptuous beginning of that inquiry. “What makes you think I’m putting myself through the torture of sticking to you all day?” 

“Ouch.” Sonic stated rather flatly without losing the spring in his effervescent stride. “Come on! I’ll make it worth your while.” Suddenly, a confident smirk possessed the hedgehog’s features. “Race ya!” 

Annoyed, Shadow switched into an easy skate, quickly catching up to his partner for the evening. He grumbled, “How is this a race if I don’t know where we’re going.” 

Sonic’s eyes seemed to glimmer, if not just for a second. Shadow assumed his mind was playing tricks on him as it always seemed to do, but it didn’t stop himself from faltering ever so slightly behind. 

“You better keep up slowpoke! And guess what, you said we’re! We! Are! Can’t take it back now.” Sonic smirked, knowing just how to get under the agent’s skin.

Now thoroughly provoked, Shadow found new vigor in the race that influenced him to pump extra energy into his skates, propelling him forward. Sonic took notice and smiled at Shadow’s enthusiasm for the ‘race’. And so they were reduced to nothing but blurs that careened to the blue hero’s whim. 

Though the city was busy the pair only found it to be a welcome obstacle. It started when Sonic felt it necessary to weave in between lanes of people, even in between cars that kicked off their childish escapades in a vain attempt to outdo, and unknowingly impress each other. 

Shadow was a bit too willing to play this game, despite the fact that his face was fixed in a frown. He was a marvel on skates, able to do flips and maneuvers of professional quality without much thought. And though he, secretly, took pleasure in such a simple activity, in the throughs of his depression he hadn't found the motivation to get up and nurture his passion and watch it flourish as he did in his limited free time as a child. 

It gave Maria great pleasure watching him on wheels, and it gave him great satisfaction when she would clap at his successful attempts at a new trick. It wasn’t always easy to find happiness in such a clinical place, especially with threats of death under the guise of project Shadow being ‘shut down’ over their heads. It spelled death for both of them, all of them. So he put in the extra effort to learn choreographed routines or that extra hard trick just to see his big sister smile, caught up in the illustrious illusion of happiness. 

Before now, he assumed the passion died with his sister, 50 years ago on that fateful day. But here he was, pulling off a refined toe loop from a car ceiling like it never happened at all. All from a little prodding from Sonic. 

The showcase of their most elaborate somersaults and most impressive stunts came to an abrupt end when Sonic decided that they had come to their destination. He turned to his coeval, still recovering from their silent but apparent competition. 

After regaining his bearings, Shadow peered up to see just where the blue blur had taken him. It was a comely little ice cream parlor with ample outdoor seating. Shadow didn’t know what he was doing here, he wasn’t exactly the clientele they catered to. And though Rouge had worked night and day to dispel his feelings of objectification, he still felt out of place. 

It didn’t take long for him to become overwhelmed with the feeling that, once again, this was illegal. But, this time, he tried to suppress the feelings of unease and instead live in the moment. He may not have fit in with the smiling faces that illuminated all around them, and giggling children that peppered the air with their angelic song, but that didn’t give him any less of a right to be alive. 

He didn’t have too much time to dwell on the jurisdiction of his happiness as Sonic grabbed his hand, something he was startlingly unaccustomed to, and yanked him to the counter. His eyes gazed over the menu, perturbed to find he didn’t understand a majority of the options. Sonic already knew what he wanted so he looked over to his kidnap victim to find him staring rather intently at the options. 

His quills furrowed at the sudden realization “Wait! I never even asked you if you can eat.. being a half-alien and all..” 

Shadow was less than delighted to have his alien biology brought to attention, but he couldn’t find himself mad when he picked up on the genuine guilt laced in the other’s inflection. “Although it’s not necessary, I can eat.” 

“Are you hungry?” 

Shadow could only shrug at the answer. He insisted he didn’t feel hunger, he did, to a much more muted extent than a natural hedgehog, but he did. As he was in a bit of a rut, he didn’t feel like eating much. He knew from experience if he went too long without his more.. earthly needs, the natural part of his body would become fatigued to the point that he might even faint if he neglected it for too long. Although he couldn’t pass from something like starvation, it was best for work performance if he did eat. That’s how he justified giving in to the tantalizing creamy treat’s siren song, anyway. 

“Cool! Whaddya want!” Sonic smiled at the shorter of the two as he was unable to come to a clear answer. 

Shadow doesn't want to admit his apparent ignorance. He makes an awkward gesture to the cabinet of colorful flavors, hoping Sonic would decide for him. “Ohhh, you want cookies and cream, huh?” The hero took a bit too much pleasure in Shadow’s ‘flavor of choice’, he was starting to regret being so vague. “Who knew you had a sweet tooth.” 

And so, the hero turned to the women working the counter. “I want good ‘ole vanilla with fudge drizzle, please! And for him, chocolate chip cookies and cream..” Then he leaned in a little closer, with a wink “..pull all the stops for me on that one.” 

Shadow lapped eagerly at the overly decorated treat, smothered with fudge glaze, sprinkles, whipped cream all contained in a waffle cone. Never had his taste buds had a sensation quite like this one, it paled in comparison to the amazement he felt when a simple boiled hot dog breached his lips. One thing he could never miss from the Ark was the sorry excuse for food available up there. 

Sonic could only stare in shock at his self-fulling prophecy of Shadow having a sweet tooth. Never could he expect to see the Ultimate Lifeform, complete with his corded muscles and threatening color scheme thoroughly enjoying the most extra cone of ice cream he could muster. It was cute… in an edgy rival sort of sense. 

“So,” Sonic started in between licks “‘member that thing I said the other day, when Tails was doing that little check up on ya.”

“No.” He did.

Sonic wasn’t put off by Shadow’s attitude, really, this day was going better than he originally imagined. “Well, I said I would tell you one of my weirder hobbies if you tell me one of yours. Still up for the offer.” 

Shadow couldn’t deny another offer that could provide a glimpse at Sonic’s psyche. He nodded to accept the offer, willing to sacrifice a smidge of privacy to stifle his curiosity. 

Sonic scooted closer to the other to avoid the attention of unwanted ears. “Ok, one rule, you can’t make fun of me.” 

Shadow rolled his eyes but consented. “Whatever you say hedgehog.” 

“Ok so,” He started clapping his hands and then looked away. “I guess it’s not a hobby, but, I’ve always liked flowers.” He turned his head to gauge Shadow’s reaction and justify his answer. He was surprised to see a rather neutral expression on the other's face as he continued to work on his treat. “I just always appreciate nature I guess, and flowers have a lot of secret meanings, it’s like a whole language!” He couldn't help tp flap his hands a little, It felt good to finally let out some of his swirling thoughts surrounding flowers to a, supposedly, attentive ear. Shadow didn't understand the action, but he strangely found it charming. After briefly describing some of the many things he liked about them, he finally stopped to give Shadow room to speak. 

Scratching the back of his head, Sonic asked, “So yeah, that’s my dirty little secret I guess. What’s yours?”

“I like flowers too.”

“You’re lying.” 

“It’s true!” Shadow started, rather defensively. “Maria and I used to enjoy books with illustrations and photographs of them to prepare to immigrate to Earth.” Shadow sighed, the mention of his sister brought a sorrowful pang to his heart. Her death was still fresh in his mind, despite how it was a forgotten tragedy from decades ago to others. It’s often overlooked how Shadow has a 50-year lapse in memory and development, the effects only worsened by the mental scarring being ripped open by his recurring memories and dreams and left to bleed out only to be yanked open again. 

Although it may be hypocritical, he hated to see Sonic’s drop in discomfort at the mention of his sister, like her name was poison, like it was shameful. “Don’t make that face!” Shadow barked, his voice booming from the depths of his chest. 

At that, many faces turned to see the strange encounter between the ever illustrious hero and his counter. Sonic, too, lurched back to the sudden aggression, although he quickly regained his composure, understanding the outburst came from a raw and tender place of genuine heartache. “I’m sorry Shadow! I didn’t mean it like that! It’s just,” It was so unlike himself, but he took a moment to articulate his words. “I know it’s a tough subject for you; I guess I was just surprised to hear her name.”

Shadow narrowed his eyes, his anger still leaving his tensed body. “You don’t think I’m really that fragile, do you?” 

Sonic smiled, softly. “I actually think you’re pretty strong, Shadow. You’re my rival for a reason.” Shadow huffed which earned a soft giggle from Sonic. “Man, I don’t even know what I’d do in your situation. I know I’d be a mess-” 

“I tried to blow up the planet.” 

“But, you didn’t! Also, it was cuz Eggman’s grandpa messed with your memory.” Sonic smiled politely, a strange look for the arrogant hero, Shadow thought.

The pair took a moment to breathe, then Shadow spoke. Finally, the curiosity ate him from the inside. “How much did Rouge pay you to be with me today?” 

Sonic cocked his head at the question, Shadow found that intriguing, cute even… in an annoying rival sort of way. “I didn’t get paid.”

“So she did have something to do with it.” 

"Nah man, Rouge told me you were having a hard time. Just wanted to cheer up a friend, see how everything is." Sonic smiled sweetly at the hybrid.

He hated himself for it, made even worse by its origin, but Shadow smiled. It was more than a mere upturned lip, and he couldn’t explain it, but his fang peeked out of the crooked, yet genuine smile. 

Maybe Rouge was right, maybe they were friends. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, this is becoming Groundbreaking Discoveries emo cousin wtf. Anyways this story has no direction but hey, that the fun of it ig lmao


	15. Sore Subject

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow hangs out with Amy and Rouge.

“Darling, I can assure you, me and Shadow are not, and will not, ever be a thing.” Rouge side-eyed the pink hedgehog as she giggled away, almost ruining her nail art. 

“No need to be shy Rouge! Girl talk is always confidential!” Her ever vivacious soprano sang out like a morning songbird for all to hear. Despite her well-meaning intentions and baseless teasing, Rouge felt a bit uncomfortable. The conversation wasn’t ribald in the slightest, but, every day she grew more and more protective of her teammates, dare she say, they formed some form of mismatched family. 

She certainly treated them like brothers. Teasing them at every given opportunity, popping into and intruding on their lives whenever she pleased. She had a laundry list of nicknames assigned to the both of them. For Omega: mega, megs, meggy, megan, the list goes on and on to the point that even a robot can be irritated. And if you thought Omega had it bad, for Shadow: Shad, Shady, Shady-poo, Shadzie, short king, goth prince, ultimate pain in my ass, it didn’t take much to annoy Shadow, a simple nickname was more than enough. 

It was strange how this came to be, it all started out in Eggman’s basement under a beautiful stroke of serendipity that they all managed to have the same goal. It went from a quick excuse to not be murdered to something much, much greater. She knew now that she’d do anything for her teammates. And she knew they’d do the same for her. It didn’t need to be spoken. 

She rolled her eyes as she applied a fresh coat of paint to Amy’s nails. “Believe me sweetheart, if we were going to date, it would’ve happened. He’s way too immature.” She gave a coy smirk, lowering her voice. “Keep this between us, but I don’t think women are exactly his preference.”

Amy shrugged, a little too young to have an adequate gaydar. “Does he like somebody?” Amy couldn’t help but ask. She couldn’t imagine the gun-toting, motorcycle riding, scowling, self-proclaimed bioengineered weapon Shadow the Hedgehog she had seen depicted on the news holding hands and walking down the street with anybody. Shadow and violence seemed near inextricable. “.. I don’t think Shadow’s into any of that kinda stuff.” 

Rouge didn’t have time to refute the young girl’s point before the sound of keys and a door opening signified the subject of their conversation’s return. He waltzed into their evening with relative insouciance until Rouge insisted he joins them around the half-empty bottles of nail polish. In the presence of a near-stranger such as Amy, he felt his back being instructed into its stringent, up-right position and his arms fit into its defensive, crossed position.

“C’mere sugar!” Rouge sang upon hearing the axiomatic return of the hybrid. “Lemme do your nails.” Reluctantly, he sat between the two girls, hovering over the hodgepodge of nail colors like they were. Rouge was stretched out on the floor, her legs rhythmically kicking up and down as she worked on her glittery nails. She was the picture of leisure, not a single worried bone in her body. 

The same couldn’t be said for the others. Relaxation never found Shadow easy, in fact, Shadow was almost always in a constant state of vigilance regardless if the situation called for it. His eyes shifty, ears pointed in attention, posture resembling that of a ruler was his preferred stance on this alien planet. It made him unapproachable, which was good in his eyes, it made him look like a threat, which was even better. 

Such tension was unusual for the usually spirited girl. But Shadow’s sudden presence had an unfortunate effect on her. She’s heard Sonic sing his praises before, but the Shadow he spoke of and the glowering soldier were two different entities. He was an enigma, and that was what unsettled her so much, not like Cream, or Tails, or her Sonic. And Rouge was a puzzle she was hoping to piece together with ‘girl time’. 

But Shadow, his whole existence in her life seemed to be a discrepancy. On that day, she found him staring off into space, only to have tears falling down his cheeks by the end of their conversation. That was minutes before he was off to sacrifice himself in the name of his late sister. And then, a season later, he would reappear in their lives with the same antagonistic approach he had entered it with. She knew in her heart he wasn’t bad, but she couldn’t guarantee herself that he was good either. 

Rouge could sense the tension that hung in the air, it was understandable just by looking at them why they may be uncomfortable. She wouldn’t have it though, she was on a mission to socialize Shadow and it would come to fruition. “So Shadow, we were talking about cute boys.” Rouge sang, adding a playful inflection into her voice. 

“What does this have to do with me?” Shadow asked, cocking a brow.

Rouge held her hand out, reviewing the state of her nails before continuing to tend to them. “I don’t know, is there anybody that caught the ultimate lifeform’s eye?” 

Amy, in a fit of discomfort and amusement, giggled at the question. She found Rouge and Shadow’s relationship quite entertaining, she pictured them as begrudging coworkers, not actual friends. 

The bat’s sensitive ear twitched at the pink one’s amusement, “What’s so funny over there?” as she didn’t even bother to pick up her head to meet the others in their unease. 

Being caught off guard was new to Amy Rose, normally she could weave and manipulate words with relative ease, using what she believed was her ineffable cute-factor to befriend just about anyone right down to robots. But again, she found herself unsettled, feeling the red eyes boring into her soul. It wasn’t supposed to, but her words came out a clambering, shaky mess. “It’s nothing! I guess, I never see Shadow with anybody, you know?”

Her crooked smile and inauthentic eyes are a far cry from the larger than life persona that usually embodied her. But it wasn’t just Shadow now, it was Rouge too. It could be explained by what made those around her label her a seductress, it was in the venomous beauty that was just as intimidating as it was pleasing to encounter, or her uncanny ability to rip words out of throats, or even how Rose wanted to be her in a way, to have the same control over people like she did. Whatever she did, it was something about this pair that scared her. 

That’s when Shadow shrugged, whisking Amy away from her pool of nerves. “I don’t either.” It was stated as a fact of life, like how the sky is blue and the winter is cold. Such a strange response was normality doused in self-pity but it was made rather evident by the stolid face that it was nothing but the fact in the world of the hybrid. And even though the air seemed to slightly shift in his statement’s wake, he returned to his taciturn self and continued to sit, waiting to be prompted to continue. 

Despite her strong trepidation, Amy was never without her empathy. Everyone, even an off-putting, disturbing character such as Shadow, deserved that level of affection in their life if they so desire. That's when a lovely little name rang like a bell in the back of her mind, she was reminded of the one time she had seen Shadow with real adoration in his eyes. His reverence wasn’t lost on her as he stared off into space, mumbling praises in her name. 

“Weren’t you with Maria?” The question was born from ignorance and romantic innocence. But that name, just the mere mention of it, provided enough poignancy to threaten to breach the dam holding back the complicated grief he’d been suppressing for months now. The main benefactor keeping the dam from crumbling under the pressure was the suggestion that there was a romantic connection between Shadow and Maria. 

The mere suggestion that there was a romantic connection between him and Maria made him repulsed. She had been by his side from the moment he was released from that wretched tube and allowed to experience the world first hand. She graciously accepted the responsibility of informing him on more secular, monotonous factors of life in the most tender way imaginable. 

Her love for Shadow was abundant as his was for her but he’d never think to taint such a sacred thing as their relationship with something like romantic attraction. He couldn’t feel that for her anyhow. In times when his brain was underdeveloped, she was like an all-encompassing security blanket, always ready to dispel any traces of sorrow from tear-stained cheeks, despite her own condition. As he matured, she was always a companion to turn back to in face of tragedy. With each other, they could forget the circumstances around them. Even when she was confined to a wheelchair tethered to an IV drip, even when Shadow was a limp mess of missing appendages from the experiments, they still found solace in each other. 

And that’s why he didn’t yell. He could see in the innocence in her eyes, the same he saw in his lost sister. He could see her altruism behind Sonic’s, and he could see her wanderlust, helter-skelter in Omega as well. Right down to Rouge he observed her nurturing concern. He took no pleasure in upsetting these people, but he couldn’t stay. Not only did his introversion call him back to seclusion, it was also the grief that had pooled up behind his indifferent glare that called him to leave, and so he did. 

He didn’t make a spectacle out of it, quite the opposite actually. Without a parting word, he stalked back to his room to subsequently lock the door and drown his heartache and hiraeth in nostalgic music. He knew, even though he made a conscientious effort to downplay his departure, he could tell his reaction was dramatic. It was just another point of contention for him to mull over as he finally let the tears of pent up grief spill out. He reprimanded himself for this shameless display of vulnerability with mental lashes, but he figured it was better here, in comfortable solitude, than anywhere else. 

A blend of panic and remorse made itself at home across Amy’s features. She turned to the agent, who also seemed, but not nearly to the extent of Amy, perplexed at what had occurred. “What did I do?” Amy asked in a panicked attempt to understand Shadow’s reaction and asphyxiate her growing guilt. 

“Nothing, it’s just…” Rouge got comfortable, she knew she’d be here for a while telling of Amy's prolonged confusion. “...it’s a sore subject. He’s been through alot, don’t blame yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't like this chapter, blame it on my brother he gave me the idea lmao.
> 
> Sorry, I was gone for a few, I had FOUR tests this week, one of which being for AP gov and I had to donate my free time I usually use for writing to sleep. I've also been writing a present for my sister in a fandom I'm not in so I had to do research lol. Thanks for all the support as always <3
> 
> Edit: forgot to add, I have the next couple of chapters planned out, so far this story is going to be over 20 chapters long!


	16. In the Dead of Night I Think of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cw/ Tw: Night terrors/ nightmares although it's pretty brief so you skip to the fourth paragraph to avoid it.

For a lot of individuals with issues like Shadow who refuse to address them, sleep is an easy way out when it all seems like too much. He tried it, and at first he’d say he’d agree, unless it was a night like this one. 

He awoke with a start, lurching forward as he quickly sat up and rose a bare hand to his chest. Even beneath the plush texture of chest fur and the rapidly rising and deflating chest, he could feel his heart threatening to burst from the convulsions that overtook it. Now that he pulled himself away from the clutches of sleep, he noticed the cold wash over him, chilling his already shaking body. 

Thanks to the gentle breeze of the air conditioning gracing over his fur, he finally noticed the state he was in. His fur was flat with sweat, but it pales in comparison at the sheets damp with his body's perspiration. He rubbed his head, sort of a symbolic gesture to rid his mind of the terrors that racked him in his sleep. The ambiguous images of the atrocities committed in the name of science aboard the Ark unceremoniously invaded his peaceful sleep once again, ending on the crescendo of his sister’s murder. Every day he missed her just as much as the last. 

He was ready to swing his legs off the side and go for a mid-night walk, despite the fact that he was still shaking off his slumber, but his door inched open and he made contact with worried, and slightly glazed aquamarine eyes. Despite the fact that he was confused as to why she was here at this hour, he was happy to have her. She joined him on the bed as he looked at her expectantly, settling into the comfortable silence. 

Defying everything in him, defying all the principles installed in his head from the moment he was released from the tube that confined him in his infancy, he sought out affection for the first time in decades. It was such a small action, insignificant in the eyes of many, but Rouge quickly noticed the weary body that was leaning into her. She didn’t have a second thought before she too leaned back into the pressure. 

In a meek, listless voice, one so small in fact she wouldn't have been able to hear it if it weren’t for her superior hearing, he whispered “Sorry for waking you.” 

It was such a dramatic change for the Shadow she saw earlier today. She now saw that his actions were a palliative measure put in place to mask the war he was fighting within. But she was thankful to be here, she was thankful to have him here. And she had no doubt in her mind that this was the same soft-spoken, lost, young man she formed Team Dark with. The difference now was that he had his bed made for him, his burden to carry. 

Shadow knew now. He knew he could trust her. She accepted him with all his flaws, his past misdeeds, with everything that made him so complicated with open and willing arms. This was just the final step into a full affirmation of her guidance and friendship. 

With a sorrowful smile, she responded to the aching hedgehog. “You don’t need to apologize, sunshine. I’m a pretty shitty sleeper anyway.” 

Shadow scoffed, his voice laced with loathing for what his mind did to him after hours. “You and me both.” And he leaned in a little bit closer, his body feverishly lapping up the body warmth. They took another moment of solace as her familiar presence chased away the fragments of his disturbing dream. He was so relieved he almost felt inclined to cry. 

It made no sense to him, he was no longer cast away to sea in the midst of a violent storm with waves of his emotions raising and lowering to the beat of his chest, but it was now that he felt like letting all the pent up misery cascade down his features. 

He didn’t let it through, although Rouge’s comfort was delicate and compassionate, he found a sentimental glaze coming over his eyes, excruciating. He lightly wished they could return to their typical banter as it didn’t contain difficult emotions to decipher. The issue at hand wasn't the fault of Rouge this time, he knew she would see him the same teary-eyed or not. It was an internal conflict, it was as if he could see himself the same after someone looked upon his sobbing broken self for what it was. 

His mind was on a restless pursuit to preoccupy itself. Luckily for him, perky blue quills and brilliant emerald eyes were more than enough to suffice. Normally, he wouldn’t allow himself the privilege to ruminate over his rival, which he told himself over and over, rival, nothing more nothing less. But he wasn’t under ordinary circumstances, so he granted himself the luxury to think of the delightfully carefree volubility of the hero. 

He thought of his presence like a summer breeze that carried the ocean's scent across rows of cattails and through windchimes. He thought of his wonderful tenor voice as a bird’s dulcet morning song, his breathy, full laugh as a love letter to Apollo, his smile so radiant to rival the sun. He yearned to be close to him, and he couldn’t figure why. 

He chalked it up to Sonic’s effortless charisma. In a similar fashion to Rouge, hell even Amy, he so handsomely made a remarkable impression on whoever had the pleasure to meet him. All eyes naturally diverted to him, he had the qualities of a man you’d want to follow. So maybe that’s why Shadow found himself holding his breath, waiting patiently for Sonic’s every word to then commit it to memory. 

An abrupt yawn reminded him where he was; propped up against his best friend, in the middle of the night. He looked over to her, slumped over and her features grew soft in exhaustion. He hated to have kept her up, he knew of a small way he could reimburse her for her troubles. She seemed to like it when he made ‘dorky’ remarks. “I like your shirt.” 

She giggled wildly at the fugacious comment, earning a small chuckle in return. Looking at her old pilled tee, she could see why he found it amusing, as it read ‘My next wife won’t own horses’ which was absurd given she has never been married nor had anything to do with horses. Maybe that was what brought them together in the first place, just two weird characters trying their very best to survive in this cruel world. 

Now that he got over his reservations on trusting Rouge and finally, finally admitting his relationship with her extended beyond good rapport, he felt it necessary to gauge her opinion on a curtain subject. “Before you go, can I ask you about Sonic?”  
The question alone seemed to re-animate her entire being from its once lethargic state. “Oh Shadow you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear you ask that!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still trying to make his PTSD at least semi-realistic and one of the symptoms is nightmares so yeah :( But... I'm actually;;y going to give Shadow nice things one of these days so yeah lol  
> Also sorry this is short! I j got my prescription changed and I'm trying out new contacts and it's giving me headaches so I didn't do any extra stuffs.  
> EDIT OH SHIT I FORGOT TO ADD THIS BUT I GOT FANART AGIAN AND LEMME TELL YOU I WHENT FERAL PLEASE GO CHECK IT OUT https://bigthecatreal.tumblr.com/post/642770664200323072/a-little-thing-based-on-a-really-really-good-fic


	17. Sweet Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow accepts a strange invitation.

She didn’t accost him like he half expected her to when he received this invitation. She was actually very pleasant. 

It was a day after their previous encounter at Team Dark’s apartment that he received the letter via snail mail. It was understandable that she contacted him this way, his communicator details were a delicacy and he hadn’t gotten around to the internet portion of the ‘earth customs’ lessons Rouge and Sonic were unknowingly giving to him. Even something as simple as a phone number was a mystery to him. 

So, in layman’s terms, there was no follow up regarding Amy’s invite to have lunch, she just had to wait patiently to see if the outing was required. Every minute she sat there was agony, she had no clue, especially taking Shadow’s personality into consideration, if he planned on showing up or not. Sonic owed her big time for this. 

The object of her affection, the man she cast as the main character in her fantasies of undying passion and unadulterated dedication, had been talking up a big game of Shadow’s character. She often wondered if Sonic defended her like he defended Shadow behind closed doors. Regardless, when she told him her story of her time at the Team Dark household, and how she didn’t mean to but apparently offended the fuscous hybrid causing him to get up and leave. At the mention of a Maria, Sonic heavily insisted that Amy try to make amends. 

She had no intention of harboring any ill will toward the agent, but the idea of a one-on-one outing unnerved her. She got over her trepidation seeing as she may have upset him, which certainly was not what she intended. She knew that he had a painful childhood, which contributed to his closed off nature, and she hated to see anyone in any sort of pain, be it mental or physical. She just had to tough it out and hope for the best.

So she pulled all the stops, sending him a letter adorned with diaphanous decorations complete with lace and skilled calligraphy. It was thoughtful down to the perfume sprayed over the card addressed to him, his address and full name in bubbly cursive. Maybe it was her subconscious, maybe she was justifying it with flimsy excuses, but in the selfish corners of her mind, she hoped that the overtly, even slightly flirtatious display of glitter and femininity would leave him perturbed and unwilling to show up. 

Amy picked one of her favorite spots in her favorite cafés, for her comfort, as waited for Shadow's arrival. Although the scent of flowers wafting through the air and the ambiance of circumlocution were pleasant, she still waited on the edge for her seat. Her hand itched to text Sonic that she couldn’t do it, but he was sure to be disappointed given the near-constant praising of his rival. She couldn’t complete that action though, as black and red interrupted the dainty café in it’s demure existence. 

Deep red eyes latched onto her, marching forward with a click in the air every time his skate made contact with pink tile. It was evident at this moment by the way the air seemed to run cold and thick, that Gerald had designed his creation to be intentionally intimidating. Unbeknownst to him, he turned heads during his confident stride. Whether it be for his generous looks or the militaristic way he carried himself, he grabbed the attention of the entire café. 

He may have been oblivious to the stares fixated on his muscular physique, but he was well aware of the strange musings of the patriots of the café. Violently, he was reminded of one of the many reasons he didn’t get out much. His steps didn’t falter, he wasn’t to give into the pressure and the rumors, but they did quicken in meeting its goal. 

Shadow found Amy, who offered him a shaky smile as a form of greeting. He nodded in acknowledgement and sat across from her, playing with his inhibitor, the atmosphere which worked to cool the nerves of Rose had the opposite effect on Shadow, who if it wasn’t for his disciplined upbringing would be squirming in his chair. 

He questioned why he even came here in the first place, oh wait, that’s right, his noisy roommate who opens up all his mail. Acquaintance was a generous label for Rose in his eyes, all his interaction with her were in passing, beside that small instance on the Ark. If it wasn’t for that, and Rouge’s thirst for ‘gossip’ and need to find what brought her here, he’d still be warm, wrapped up in his favorite blanket thinking of skies as blue as hedgehogs. 

“Why did you call me here?” His question sliced through the pertinent silence that hung between them. She forgot he had no knowledge as to why he was here today, just that he was to come. 

She shifted in her seat, all of a sudden finding forming words a difficult task. “I wanted to apologize. I feel like I made you uncomfortable the other day, I’m really sorry Shadow.” 

He couldn’t help being taken aback by her confession. He assumed it would just be another bump in the road, soon to be paved over by his next misdemeanor. And her open willingness to admit when she was wrong was striking as he was often surrounded by the world’s most stubborn people on the planet, including himself. He did find her behavior the other day rather intrusive, but he could tell in her face and in this gesture that her remorse was genuine. “I accept your apology.” 

She was surprised to not be met with a curt response as she had expected, but she never had the chance to ruminate as a waitress had made his presence known. 

He was a lanky sheep, nervous in demeanor but polite in words. He handed them menus and asked what they would like to drink. Amy wanted ‘the usual’, whatever that meant, and Shadow requested a strawberry soda. 

A strawberry anything made Amy’s eyes shoot wide with shock while Shadow’s face read with perfect indifference. “You want strawberry soda?” 

“Yes?”

She was flabbergasted. But, in retrospect, she should’ve taken Sonic’s word for it. In his musings that she wasn’t particularly listening to while he shoved chili dogs in his mouth, he mentioned something regarding Shadow and a sweet tooth. Her Sonic was no liar, but he can be an exaggerator, and she took this as one of many incidents. “So, Sonic was right.” Amy mumbled in an accidental fit of thinking out loud. 

Shadow cocked an eye ridge at his rival’s name. “Right about what?” 

“Oh!” Amy giggled. “Sonic said you have a sweet tooth!” Recalling Sonic’s strange infatuation with his rival while they were on an involuntary date. 

Shadow scoffed and his arms returned to their favorite position, being crossed comfortably over his chest with a flush of embarrassment finding itself on his face. “I don’t, where does that blue idiot get off saying things like that?” 

Amy was quickly reclaiming her confidence, suddenly growing a thick skin to Shadow’s intimidating exterior. “He’s been talking about it non-stop! He gave this whole story about you and ice cream..” Amy stopped herself seeing Shadow hang his head in humiliation, it was all the confirmation she needed to chase away all the doubts in her mind that Sonic had embellished the retelling of that evening. “Awe! Who knew Sonic and Shadow finally became friends!’

“We’re not!” Shadow tried his best to contradict her proclamation but her shit-eating grin said all the words she didn’t. He groaned in defeat only causing her to visibly rejuvenate, her anxiety was quickly becoming a thing of the past. 

She continued to innocently giggle, finding Shadow’s reluctance fascinating and his embarrassment of the ‘surreptitious’ friendship hilarious. She was starting to see what made Sonic find Shadow so special. “It’s fine! You can admit it!” 

He picked his head up from his over dramatized positioning, “Ok, we are friends, happy?” 

“Very!” She giggled in amusement. “Y’know, he really does talk about you a lot.”

He couldn’t contain his awe at the prospect, here he was thinking he was the only one who dedicated an unhealthy amount of his mind to his rival. Amy reframed from answering as their waiter had returned with their drinks and menus in tow. Where Amy ordered a fruit tart Shadow ordered a dark chocolate cupcake with sprinkles. 

After they were once again left on their lonesome, he had to know if Sonic, the Hero of Mobius, the man so many sought after, was really spending his time talking about him of all people. “Does he really?” 

“Really what?” 

This girl was going to be the death of him. “Does he seriously speak of me often?” 

By now she was more than comfortable teasing the Ultimate lifeform a bit, seeing why Sonic enjoyed it so much. “Always so formal.” She giggled, digging into her tart. “Yeah! He really seems to like you!”

On the outside, Shadow nonchalantly shrugged, but the same couldn’t be said of the flurry of emotion that had assaulted him from the inside. Internally he was screaming as he bit into his cupcake. He didn’t understand why Sonic’s approval made him feel as light as air, he couldn’t understand. Rouge tried to convince him it was some sort of “deeper connection” that he “needed to figure out for himself”. It all sounded like bullshit. It was respect and a longing for a friendship and time for just them to be around each other. 

They did save the world together, and they had each other’s backs, and they seemed to share a strange unspoken deeper understanding, it’s natural for Shadow to wish for a more fulfilling connection. And Sonic was objectively attractive, he had the perfect runner’s physique and the confidence to back it up, it was no wonder the girl before him had fallen prey to his appearance. To Shadow, just about anyone could fall for a guy as perfect as him!

He was able to focus on other matters, though, as their conversation had pivoted away from their beloved hero and had started in on polite platitudes to salutations of departure. 

Amy felt like she learned a lesson today, something right out of a children’s TV show. Oh yeah, don’t judge a book by its cover, the age-old proverb. She felt a little silly for falling for his glower, and although she hadn't even begun the scratch the surface of his unyielding shell, which she was well aware of by the lack of smile, her beliefs that there was good in everyone was reaffirmed. 

Little did she know, Shadow learned a Saturday morning cartoon esque lesson as well, although one less conventional. His firmly held conviction that the world thought the worst of Gerald’s savage creation was slowly melting away with each smiling face made for him. Amy set a principal though, Sonic was friends with everyone, Rouge was shady and Omega was a killer robot, but Amy? She was as innocent as innocent come. And she sought him out. It was strange to consider but, quite possibly, people didn’t hate him at first sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I let Shadow have a new friend :) also my sad & single ass says fuck valentine's day, I'm using it as an excuse to think of more sonadow scenarios in my daydream cinematic universe to ignore the saltiness inside my cold dead heart


	18. Fixing a Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonic was there at the right time and the right place.

In the brief moment of leniency that he gave to himself he breathed in heavy and deep. This was his ‘happy place’, he knew he didn’t have to hide the audible shake in his sigh. It was nice, even if it was a waste of time.

He’d been holding back the inevitable: the inevitable that threatened to rack his body for ages now. If he wasn’t himself, the ultimate lifeform, he would’ve succumbed to the pressure months ago but he was himself, Gerald’s flawless creation, equipped with superior tenacity, perfect perseverance. He knew he wasn’t genuinely perfect, there was more than enough evidence to prove it, and with each day he was more and more comfortable with the idea that perfection was an impossible standard to hold himself to. 

But, however comfortable he was becoming with the idea of his flaws, he still held onto his impervious facade with an unmoving death grip that he had no intention of dropping. Whoever he came into contact with was not to know how he’d been wilting like a dehydrated flower, he saw to it. However silly it was, which its silliness being something he was unwilling to admit even to himself, he felt uncomfortable with the thought of being vulnerable, still. 

The effects of being considered nothing but an experiment from his infancy up to his formative years still shown through in even the most menial actions. The work of Rouge and others would peel back the layers, and it was working, but his indomitable insistence to remain stone-faced in the midst of strife was something they had yet to slay. It didn’t help that whenever the familiar feeling of unease reared its ugly head back into Shadow’s subconscious, he’d gone off in a desperate investigation to find something to sufficiently distract himself in an attempt to avoid the underlying issues at hand. 

So, he bottled up his emotions. It was funny how so many others assumed he was void of feelings when he felt that he was always on the cusp of a sobbing, weeping breakdown. The root of it all, well most of it, was one issue he had been ignoring since he was released from cryogenesis. 

It was that damn voice, the ghost of his sister, the apparition that haunted and hunted him over and over again. He had the audacity to look at something, hear something, smell something, anything! And before he knew it he was whisked back to the Ark, witnessing a highlight reel of the most horrifying moments of his life. 

And it wasn’t as simple as the flashbacks, he thought of her constantly regardless. He saw her in anything, she was in the air he wished she could breathe and the sun's warmth he wanted her to feel. Her loss was immediate, inexplicable, and unjust, but he barely had time to process what had happened before he was apprehended and placed into G.U.N’s custody.

Yes, he was still grieving, but you’d never know it. Well, one person knew it, Sonic. 

No Tails, he wasn’t stalking, he just wanted to know what his rival was up to at that clifftop that overlooked the azure lake almost every other day. He could deduce from the exceedingly contentious communicator conversations that would interrupt his introspection, that he’d come here when he had a break from his ever-demanding position at G.U.N. 

Though this was all speculation from his point of vantage behind a lone sycamore tree, he felt like it fit the hybrid’s character perfectly well. He worked long hours at such a demanding job, and the guy never took a day off. Sonic knew the feeling of stress, the world counted on him to save them almost every other week! But still, even he had days off, everyone needed a moment to breathe in a life that could be suffocating, including Shadow.

Normally, he could justify his stalker-like actions under the guise of morbid curiosity, using the excuse that the park is a public area. And he was right in that the park is free and open to anyone who wished to visit, but it wasn’t a coincidence that the hero always found himself at a secluded floral, alcove that if you ascended up an undisciplined set of flat rocks that could be used as a crude staircase, would overlook the impressive view that expanded to the offing of azure lake. 

After the agent left his spot vacant on an evening previous to this one, Sonic took a moment to evaluate what had drawn Shadow to this particular spot. He could see it in the panoply of native flowers that had taken root there, or in the sound of the lake’s river banks throwing itself into the rocks that wafted up from below and into your ear greeting you with its fervent sound. Anyone could appreciate the scenic picture this place painted, but when his gaze set upon a crude grave, small but obviously commissioned, he knew the truth. 

It wasn’t stalking if you're far enough away. And Shadow’s voice was out of earshot, so that constitutes a good distance, right? He sat and made justifications as to why he continued to ‘check-in’ on his titular rival, but in his musings, he had an epiphany: this isn’t normal. 

Due to his epiphany, he pushed his legs to carry him all the way up the ‘stairs’ and to where Shadow stood, staring well past the horizon to something more distant. He moved with caution, tapping a bashful finger to Shadow’s shoulder. 

Even the sheepish action was enough to cause Shadow to tense in surprise as he whipped his head around in a brush flourish of red and black. His ruby eyes widened at the sudden presence of his rival, his mouth hung agape without the presence of words. It was a fine mix of bewilderment and awe at how the sun played upon his features as his soft eyes gazed right back at Shadow. 

Sonic was the first to speak, shaking off the amazement in seeing how Shadow seemed to compliment the scenery around him, it was as if nature itself was just a frame to worship Shadow’s unnatural beauty. “Hey, faker. I missed ya bud.” His eyes grew sympathetic as Shadow’s face was frozen in that peculiar expression. “How've ya been?” 

“I’m fine. Now leave me be.” Shadow mumbled without his usual confidence, turning his head back forward so that it would be transfixed on the river receding and advancing below. 

Sonic wasn’t convinced by the hybrid’s pitiful fallacy. He made sure to school his voice into a melodious tone to convey his underlying concern. “Are you sure-” 

“I’M FINE.” Though his proclamation was directly contradicted by the tears spilling over his cheeks, falling to the grass below them. 

Sonic instinctively lurched back at Shadow’s sudden outburst but relaxed at the sight of his rival’s teary face. “I’m sorry.. I’ll go.” Sonic managed to slip out in an unsure, small voice as his guilt quickly slinked out of the crevices they hid to ambush him in his departure. 

“Wait.” Shadow continued. “I’m sorry for my outburst. That was unbecoming of me, it.. Has nothing to do with you.” He called back to the time he lost control of his volatile emotions and regrettably screamed at Rouge after she had comforted him during his panic attack, and then he recalled how he then proceeded to deck Sonic in the cheek during an innocent stint of roughhousing. And here he was making the same mistakes. Chaos, he was such a fuck up.

Sonic inched closer, seeing the remorse painted on the ultimate lifeform’s features. “So.. can I stay.” 

Shadow shrugged, redirecting his attention to the water. “It’s not my property. You can do as you please.” Which gave sonic all the permission he needed to situate himself, comfortably, right next to Shadow. His close proximity made the hybrid uncomfortable in an ‘I don’t want you to think differently’ sort of sense. He had to divert his gaze to the crude grave to his left to avoid accidentally coming in contact with those warm, wonderful emerald eyes. 

Sonic took this as an opportunity to evaluate his counterpart, seeing his rigid, robust body. Each outline under ebony fur intentionally coded into his DNA with such meticulous care. His color, his teeth, his fur, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his smile, his ears, his tail, all intended for a specific purpose, the perfect existence, Gerald’s prized creation. He knew little of what Shadow’s intended purpose was; the muscles, the teeth, the color story even his voice all screamed danger from a mile away. But he took a closer look at who he was staring at, the plush chest fluff was a strange addition for such a ‘dangerous’ creature. And upon closer analysis, he made a shocking revelation, it was cut in the shape of a heart!

Surely this wasn’t a mistake, it was situated on his chest after all, and normally, considering Silver, chest fur didn’t grow in small patches like that. Ok, it could just be cut that way for whatever reason, but what was with his height? He had the pleasure of seeing Shadow without his signature skates before, why was the ultimate lifeform designed to be so short? And what was with his dorky crooked smile? Or the way that.. He was just sort of, cute. But also attractive. 

And then Sonic considered his mind. Easily the most confusing part of Shadow, as the hybrid would purposefully go well out of his way to repress expressing himself. More often than not his face fell in the spectrum of indiscernible to scowl and his words vague and curt. Obviously, so that it was apparent to everyone else with the exception of the ultimate lifeform himself, his words and expressions were deceitful and the easiest way to prove so was to examine his actions.

Probably the most candid thing about Shadow was his actions. His open willingness to play the martyr, his determination to atone for his past actions, his unconditional love and devotion to such an innocent girl as Maria. All the things that he did down to his everyday conduct shrieked in disagreement with the notion that Shadow was nothing but a weapon like he claimed to be. 

And in this very moment, Shadow was rebuking that sentiment, that he was a tool of destruction, with his quivering bottom lip caught between his teeth and his eyes moist with sorrow. He had dissociated from the world around him, completely confined to his mind. His current objective was finding a way to stop the flow of tears trickling down from his eyes all the way down to blades of grass beneath him. There was no rhyme or reason behind it, in his mind at least. All that he knew was that the metaphorical dam, the one constructed by Gerald and the suffocating environment that had created him, the one single-handedly holding back all the sorrow that had been dwelling within him for far too long, had broken. 

Sonic was here at the perfect moment, the right place and the right time to witness his defenses fail and crumble. He sat, dumbstruck, yearning to move, wanting to take action, but he didn’t have the slightest idea on what to do when he saw Shadow’s body shudder and hiccups escape his mouth in between the cry of mourning that was quickly spiraling into a desperate sob. 

Emotions weren’t a strong suit for Sonic. Contrary to his smile and his disposition, euphoria wasn’t the only emotion he was capable of, but when a million and one hopeful, expectant faces are looking to you for their safety, entrusting their lives to you, it’s hard to show anything else. 

He remembers a time he had let the mask fall in front of Tails, the one guy he depended on for almost anything.. with the exception of this. By no means was he dismissive, but he could see his brother’s underlying doubt in his shaky reassurance. Sonic quickly grew to regret it regardless, he was a kid, he shouldn’t be burdened with the position of being the Hero of Mobious’ emotional crutch. 

That’s when it dawned on him that maybe that’s what he’s doing to his coeval at this very moment. He was practically gawking at him as he reduced himself to a quivering ball with his head in his hands and his ears pinned back. It was a bitter representation of the times he found himself too deep in his mind, cloaked in the night as he relented and let the sadness wash over him. He tried to recall what he wished for, during moments like this. 

Sonic inched closer, enclosing his arms around Shadow’s trembling frame, latching on with conscientious pressure. He tried his hand at what he’d feel would benefit the hybrid in this time of unadulterated vulnerability, whispering kind words of affirmation and reassurance. He made sure to remind him that he was there, sitting right next to him, unknowingly grounding him.

Shadow leaned in a little closer, his voice being muffled by Sonic’s velvet coat. “Maria loved this planet so much... it was what kept her going at times. The ARK was so cold and lonely, but the promise of the planet below kept her spirits up, it kept all our spirits up.” Shadow sighed, his voice still choked up and raw “but.. I never had death looming over my head the way she did..” 

Finally, he found the source of this pain that prayed upon him, his tears were no longer a mystery to him. They belonged to his long-lost sister who was ripped away from all those years ago. He sometimes wondered if she wept for him in that ethereal plane she dwelled nowadays. Was she happy with what he was? Did he live up to her expectations? All questions he was unknowingly asking himself that accumulated to where he was now. 

“She’d be happy you're here.” 

He was right. She was the one who granted him this gift. She gave him the opportunity to live here. Shadow breathed in a little deeper, trying to steady himself and collect what was left of his dignity. “Your right..” He mumbled in response, not bothering to acknowledge the smirk he was sure Sonic wore in response to his confession. 

“I’m happy you’re here.” There was no smirk. His voice stuck in a solemn tone, clinging to the agent’s ear with its peculiarity. “I didn’t know you all too well, but when you fell… it really got to me, you know?” Despite Shadow’s silence, Sonic felt inclined to continue. “I couldn’t help but think, what if it was different, what if I convinced you that there was more to fight for, more to live for-”

Suddenly Shadow’s head shot up from its comfortable position on Sonic’s shoulder. “You got your wish, didn’t you?” His eyes were piercing despite the redness that had taken over the whites of his eyes and his runny nose. 

“Yeah, I guess I did.” Finally, something he almost forgot he knew how to do, Sonic smiled. “You did too, as long as you keep her in your heart and in your memories, she’s never really gone right?” 

Despite himself, despite all that they had been through, Shadow laughed. A humble, uneven, sloppy little chuckle escaped his throat along with a smile wide enough so that a fang peeked up beneath a lip and hooked on to the lower lip. “You're so cheesy, did you steal that from a Disney movie or something.” 

Sonic laughed along, but he couldn’t find himself lost in the moment. He was fixated on that modest little smile, he could’ve sworn it radiated heat the way it warmed his cheeks to a florid state or how his heart quickened in its unexpected presence. His smile was like a love letter to the blue hero’s heart, and he was addicted.

Once he regained his composure he playfully pushed Shadow in the shoulder, adding to the lightened mood. “Shut it Faker, I’m trying my best here!” This comment only contributed to Shadow’s exuberant state as he opened his mouth to laugh all over again. 

Sonic was lost in it, but he managed to quip back with a “You can laugh AND smile at the same time? Who knew?” 

The air became polluted with the laughter of the two hedgehogs, it was easy and uncomplicated, it was light and palpable. It only came to a close when Shadow cleared his throat, features still puffy but now with a newfound fondness in his eyes. “Thank you.” 

He knew it now, there was no denying the obvious, he was in love with Sonic the hedgehog. The thought terrified him but, in this moment, he let himself bathe in it, revealing in it’s beauty as the warmth enveloped him in a tender embrace. He was in love with him and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, I named this chapter after a Beatles song again, although I think she's leaving home take one fit's the mood better (My go to fanfic song), fixing a hole's lyrics fit's shadow for this story cuz he's been bottling up his emotions and all that. Y'all ever notice his fluff is a heart? Also, this is now the longest story on my ao3 and it has over 100 kudos! Thanks guys!
> 
> (Also sorry if this is too much like chapter 4 [flowers] of groundbreaking discoveries, I'm so unoriginal with my hurt/comfort it's painful)


	19. Technicolor Hurdles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow has emotions and doesn't know what to do about it. (Slight knuxouge, can be read as one-sided, it's nothing serious)

How did he end up here? Someplace he ought not to be. The sore thumb, the squeaky wheel in a sea of normalcy.

It was only a couple of months ago that this mismatched band of friends and allies were fearful of him, and it could be said that, to some extent, they were still fearful of him in the way they made room for him when he walked by and cowered under his stern exterior. But, they had overcome their reservations enough to the extent that they had invited him to this function that he was struggling to acclimate to. 

It wasn’t anything ambitious, the opposite actually. Just your run-of-the-mill house party with no discernible purpose other than being an excuse to have everyone you ever knew under one roof. Everyone all the others knew, anyway. For the life of him, Shadow drew blanks on half of the faces that greeted him. Unfortunately, the home belonged to Vanilla, so there were no traces of alcohol or really any substance he could lose himself in, great. 

But here he was, despite the fact that he loathed social interaction, if you weren’t in his most intimate circle of friends, with a passion. His subconscious told him he was obligated to come from the moment he opened the crude note with the address and time scribbled on it and found himself flattered. So he put in his newest pair of earrings, nice cologne, and headed out the door into the unpredictable night.

There was no host, though if that position were vital, it would be assigned to Sonic the Hedgehog simply due to the volume of individuals that seemed to occupy his attention at any given moment in time. It irked Shadow that he was even privy to this knowledge as he and his ‘groupies’ flounced around without a care in the world as he struggled to even think about striking up a conversation with any of the less... intense, party goers. Sonic just seemed to be so at ease, revealing in the attention of old comrades and for reasons unknown, it bothered Shadow beyond belief. 

His tongue clung onto the acrid taste of resentment, but he chose not to acknowledge it. Not here, not with the sea of faces that beset the hybrid. He convinced himself that it wasn’t more than his melancholic disposition and its ruse, playing to his vulnerable adoration of the hero as he glared daggers at the offending socialites. 

He could see the group as its fluid body inched closer to the corner he had himself held up in for the past quarter of an hour. A keen sense of ambivalence washed over Shadow, causing him to involuntarily shudder. In a way, he felt almost honored, excited even to see the hero approach him in his pseudo solitude. But he didn’t acknowledge that facet of his complicated emotions, letting it fester in his stomach in its nauseating, balmy existence. 

Instead, he chose to listen to that little agent of misconduct that resided on his shoulder. It fed doubt into his ear, and doubt turned into frustration, which turned into resentment. Shadow justified his severe reaction under the guise of contempt for social situations like the one Sonic found himself in. And don’t get him wrong, he would hate to be in his situation, surrounded by others clambering for his attention, but when you boiled all the confusing feelings down, down to what it truly was, he wished Sonic would look for him the way the others looked for Sonic. None of it made sense. 

He wasn’t aware of what was really happening under the unsure feelings and the butterflies whirling around in his stomach, but what he did know was that it was the workings of his god-forsaken crush that he had unfortunately developed for his rival. 

Before Sonic could get close enough, Shadow slipped away from his gaze in a desperate attempt to find a distraction. After turning a few corners he managed to find his distraction in his best friend; Rouge. 

Shadow knew now that he seemed to have a strange proclivity in attracting the most egregiously outgoing extroverts imaginable as she, too, was encased in her own little world of individuals in their lofty air of laughter. Never has she felt so untouchable, but he approached regardless, rather hesitant, awkwardly interjecting himself into their little body of party-goers. Rouge, his merciful savior, took pity on the miserable creature and pulled him onto the couch next to her by the forearm. 

She was gracious indeed, as she invited him into the conversation by asking his opinion on the current topic of conversation. Said topic was something he had really no knowledge of: pop culture. His response was a clumsy attempt to acclimate to today’s culture that, in between long work hours and his focus devoted to other pursuits, he had little to no knowledge of. His company was receptive, to his amazement, but he was quickly indisposed as he didn’t have any more material to keep himself afloat. 

He was sitting there, sitting in the middle of it all, familiar faces surrounded him, and yet, he felt so alone. His own thoughts interrupted and drowned out the discourse of the others. He became like a captive held up in his own head, desperately trying to flee, but to no avail. He tried his best to be involved, awkwardly struggling to include himself as he couldn’t keep his cadence, he was too uncomfortable. 

He barely knew these people, with the exception of Rouge who had found herself preoccupied with a certain echidna, the unmistakable lilt in her voice indicating romantic intent that he was determined not to get involved in. He was the Ultimate Lifeform, why was he so uncomfortable? Why did the air feel so suffocating? Why did he feel so worn out?

But that was nothing compared to the sharp pang in his heart that had occurred when that tell-tale jovial voice floated from across the house and to his ear. It pained Shadow to hear Sonic's easy, animated laughter respond to someone else’s presence. It was too much to bear when it had appeared again, this time heavier, more intense than the last. 

He hated to abandon the mid-century manners he was raised alongside, but, as he was backed up in a corner both literally and metaphorically, there was no choice but to abruptly leave. He figured, despite the fact that he often made himself scarce, his presence was already well-known thanks to his striking, unnatural appearance. He cursed himself for opting for his motorcycle as opposed to a chaos emerald for his method of transportation as he was left to busy-body his way through crowds just to reach the door. Apparently, holding one conversation with the host was the criteria to be invited to this mess. 

The door was in sight, he just had to get out of this hallway and traverse the sea of party goers that crowded the living room before- “Hey Faker!”

Abruptly, he turned around to be greeted with lovely, inviting green eyes that were fixated on Shadow. He couldn’t say he wasn’t surprised to find the renowned hero lurking at the ‘quiet’ section of the house. Although, the vibrations from the music alone could be felt regardless of the room you choose to occupy. Caught off guard, Shadow swallowed the words he didn’t seem to possess in the first place, hard. 

He always managed to look so stunning, but it must’ve been the effects of his recent infatuation that magnified this effect tenfold. Luckily, Sonic was the first to speak. “Dude! I’ve been trying to get you all night! So, how are you enjoying the party?” Suddenly, Shadow was freed from the confines of his head. Finally, he wasn’t alone. 

He shrugged, keeping his silver tongue and his body stiff. “It’s not something I’m used to, that’s for sure.” He was trying with all his might not to convey the whirlwind of emotions that swept through and terrorized his aching head. He couldn’t decide if he wished to leave or to stay. If he was glad to have Sonic here, or if he wanted nothing more than for him to go. 

“Wow, really giving my party planning skills a run for its money, huh?” Sonic, who already exudes confidence, managed to do something quite daring, even for the high standards he set for himself. It was quick, it was silent, but it spoke a thousand words. He looked Shadow up, starting from his eyes, to his chest, all the way down to his midsection and below, resting at his thighs before returning his lidded gaze back up to his darker counterpart. 

Now, he was stunned, face flush and eyes wide. Shadow was far too observant and much too enthralled to have missed the prurient action as emerald eyes scrutinized his frame. Maybe there were intoxicants at this party after all. He couldn’t withhold the slight shock in his wobbly question. “If you’re the host, shouldn’t you be out enjoying your party?“ 

“I am.”

“You’re talking to me.” 

“Exactly.” 

This was bullshit. Why would the host, Sonic of all creatures, interrupt his party to go and engage with someone as sullen as Shadow? “That's peculiar given the fact you seemed to invite everyone imaginable.” This was no small event, the invite list must have been superfluous with people the hedgehog half-forgotten existed, according to Shadow’s frame of reference. 

“Nah, just friends.” Friend, it was both an honor and an insult. “Just a get-together y’know?”

He could feel himself sinking deeper and deeper into this lovely little daydream that was the idea of him and Sonic with the indirect compliments. Hell, just him being here felt like a compliment. “Is there a reason you wished to speak with me?”

“Can’t talk with my favorite rival?” God, every word had him more entrenched in the Hero’s intoxicating spell. The favorite is a high title considering how many ‘rivals’ Sonic had picked up over the years. Poor thrilled and flattered Shadow, he was well within the eye of the storm before he could even bother to wrap his head around it. 

“I’m not much of a conversationalist.” Shadow stated rather curtly, avoiding the internal hysteria that was taking place behind seemingly uninterested eyes. 

Sonic couldn’t help but to burst out laughing, much to Shadow’s chagrin. Why was Sonic laughing at him? How did he humiliate himself this time? The inkling of dread was flourishing before promptly being erased. “Dude, there’s like, never a dull moment with you.” The dread he felt was now replaced with easy relief at the reminder that he was respected in the hero’s eyes. “When you aren’t playing your edge lord character, anyway.” Well, respect is subjective anyway. 

But when he’d hear the name of the subject of his affection come from a voice not his own, and with little more than a wave sent his way the hero was off to heed the call, Shadow was deeply dejected. The fire that had been lit inside of his chest extinguished now replaced with resentment. How he loathed whoever took Sonic, and oh, how he hated himself for feeling such things for his rival. 

Not wanting to dig the hole any deeper thanks to a flashy smile or the mere utterance of his name, Shadow fled the affair, mind still foggy from the high of the thrilling exchange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a love letter to all my introverts bc, holy shit, I get exhausted by social interaction so quickly it's embarrassing. First of all thank you for all the support I've been getting (on tumblr to)! It honestly means the world to me! It gets me so excited to write lol. Second holy shit how did this behemoth get to 30,000 words?
> 
> Edit: so I'm a dummy and realized this summary sucks. it's way to vague and doesn't make too much sense, If anyone has any suggestions on how to improve it it's greatly appreciated! (My tumblr is @juju-pkmn5 is you wanna do anon)


	20. Without a Second Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow just wanted some chips!

The anxiety attached to that whole event slipped away, mingling with the exhaust emitted from his bike in the late spring air. 

The night was still young, but Shadow was exhausted as even though the idea of seeing Sonic was incredibly tantalizing, every interaction left him short of breath. Believing he deserved it, after finally having the haze caused by his euphoria settle back into its comfortable cage, Shadow took a detour into a small convenience store. 

He was poking around the salty snacks aisle, hoping for those chips he so adored, when the sudden shrill sound of his cell phone, a new addition to his life, interrupted his search. He looked to the screen, immediately understanding it was Rouge by the ‘sassy’ picture she chose to represent herself with. The absence of anyone else was refreshing, but she was his best friend, so, reluctantly, he picked it up. 

“Where the fuck did you go?” Apparently, his absence didn’t go unnoticed. Maybe he’d be complimented if it weren’t for the sudden interruption of his silence. “Did you forget you’re my ride?” He did. “Also, your baby blue’s been looking for you all over, can’t believe you really left him high and dry like this.”

His heart skipped a beat at Rouge’s loving little nickname. He hated the hold Sonic had over him, Shadow was completely wrapped around his finger and the hero didn’t have a clue. The butterflies assaulted his insides preemptively, but he wasn’t going to leave Rouge to fend for herself, despite the fact that he was still unwilling to admit it. 

Once again, he was back on his beloved bike, returning it to its former parking spot in front of Vanilla’s house. He could see past the rows of cars exiting the driveway in their collective pilgrimage, his titular sister waiting impatiently by the doorstep. He announced his arrival with the ubiquitous sound of his motorcycle’s growling, calling unwanted attention to himself. 

Her eyes darted up from her phone to Shadow who was creeping into the lot on his bike. With her hands firmly on her hips, she was displeased, to say the least. After all she’s done for him the least he can do is remember her existence! 

She made sure he knew of her disappointment with her hardened stare and scrutinizing pose as he made the walk of shame over to her. Once he was within range, she assaulted him with a barrage of frustrated slights, deriding his ‘organization skills’. She was cut short by the entrance of non-other than the life of the party himself, Sonic the hedgehog. 

His body's reaction was almost instantaneous as it was innate, born from the chemical reaction that had him fixated on his rival. Red cheeks, sweaty palms, and muscles strained, he stood and stared seeing Sonic’s entrance in slow motion. Rouge’s whining was reduced to white noise in the wake of Sonic’s presence, and it didn’t take long for her to notice. 

“Shadow! You just ran off!” Sonic sang with a giddy smile and a skip in his step once his eyes locked with his stripe-clad rival. “Did something happen?”

He didn’t have an answer, one that he was willing to give, anyway. He wasn’t going to be telling Sonic the reason he up and left was due to him being overwhelmed by his all-encompassing adoration. “Just tired.” He shrugged, trying with all his might to appear nonchalant. 

“Tired!” Rouge squawked, “Aren’t you the, oh, ultimate life who doesn't need sleep!” 

Shadow shot her a nasty glare and Sonic couldn’t help to laugh, even flapping his hands slightly, letting out the excitement. Their dynamic was as entertaining as it was endearing. Sonic couldn’t say why he cared, why he was even so persistent in bothering his rival, and definitely not why he thought this exchange was cute. What he did know, however, was that Shadow was fascinating in the best way possible and whenever he left, he felt he never had enough, whatever that meant. 

Sonic calmed his laughter, keeping his attention on the flustered agent. “Sorry, Shads. You and Rouge are too funny!”

Rouge held her head up in pride and Shadow schooled his demeanor back into its usual self. The bat was the first to speak, moving to Shadow to pat him on the shoulder. “I may be too funny, but I think you’ve got grumpy here confused.” 

“Nuh-uh!” Even for the fastest thing alive, the speed at which he was willing to denounce that statement was impressive. “Shadow’s hilarious when he wants to be!” 

A shy, tiny little grin had appeared on Shadow’s muzzle at the compliment. Never had he been called ‘funny’ before, but any praise from the hero was praise he could, begrudgingly, get used to. Finding his confidence, and all to excited to banter, Shadow spoke up. “That’s probably the last word I’d use to describe myself. I think that adjective belongs to you.” 

“Oh, was that a compliment I smell!” Sonic smiled, leaning into the hybrid’s gruff voice, bouncing by the balls of his feet. 

Shadow smirked confidently, finding himself enthralled in this silly song and dance that seemed to transpire whenever they were in contact. “I think that's just you.” 

“See! You are funny! And how do you know what I smell like?”

This was probably the strangest form flirting had taken before her eyes, regardless, they were a helpless mess. It was charming. Unfortunately, she had to cut this little charade short, it was getting cold! 

“I wanna ride on the bike!” Sonic spat out in a last-ditch effort to have Shadow stay a moment longer. 

Rouge couldn’t help but roll her eyes, “There's only room for two, hon.” She made her point with an exaggerated yawn complete with stretches to accentuate her point. Shadow groaned, gesturing for her to get on his bike, to which she obliged. Before Shadow could turn on his heel, Sonic laid his hand on his unexpecting shoulder, his touch somehow feeling both strong and gentle. 

His eyes were slightly downturn, strangely uncharacteristic for such a normally confident hedgehog. He smiled, sweetly. This smile starkly different from the thousand-watt grin he had plastered on his features most of the night. “Hey,” The simple words said ever so tenderly, the tone just for him. “I know this sort of thing isn’t your style, but I’m really happy you came tonight.” 

It was visceral, it was impulsive, it was reckless, it was quick as it was sloppy. Without a rational thought behind it, without even considering the consequences, completely without prudence Shadow crashed his lips into Sonic’s in an inept, chaste kiss. 

Shadow lurched backward the moment what he was doing registered in his mind, clearing the thoughtless passion that blinded him. He was frozen, desperately searching for a reaction in Sonic’s eyes. He wanted to see if he had to brace himself for fury or even reciprocation. Nothing.

He took a single step backward, still diving into those emerald eyes staring back at him, in a desperate search for something, anything, before scrambling back to his bike, peeling out so fast Rouge almost didn't get her chance to hang on for dear life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heheh I know, I'm evil. It's a weekend tho so the next chapter will probably be up soon


	21. Spiraling Downhill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW/TW Anxiety Attacks & Breakdowns
> 
> Shadow considers the events of the night.

His brain was processing events with a buffer. The kiss seemed to form a malady in his head, and he was sick with longing. 

The dread on a relentless pursuit, breathing down his neck with its incipient fury. He really shouldn’t be driving. The only thing keeping him grounded was the arms tight around his torso and the air whipping through his quills reminding him of his reality. 

He hardly remembered the ride home, he has vague notions of the wind brushing up against his silken coat and the road ahead, street lights blaring down below, Rouge speaking but it going in one ear and out the other as if he was operating in the third person. Then he was opening the door, the bat hot on his trail, to him collapsing onto the couch. Finally, the beast caught up to him. 

He sat up, cradling his head in his palms, applying pressure as his mind starting the abuse. Rouge got up, carefully, and situated herself beside him. She wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer, thankful he was accepting the tender embrace. 

She stroked his arm the way her mother would when she was upset as a child, applying and removing pressure with the tips of her fingers. “Tell me what’s wrong sweetheart.” In her eyes, all she saw was an awkward, inexperienced little peck before he darted to his bike, escaping to their shared apartment. She couldn’t understand what warranted such a dramatic reaction of inconsolable tremors or the unnerved expression on his face.

He picked up his head, his eyes small and petrified. “I.. I’m not supposed to have.. these feelings!” His brittle voice wavered with every word.

The bat moved her hand to cover the other’s, warming it with her affectionate touch. She noticed almost instantly that he was shaking, upon checking, she could see his entire body shuddering and his heart ready to burst out of his chest. “Shadow…” Her voice was low, delicate, laced with sympathetic concern born from the heartache she felt for her little brother. “I thought you were past all that, you’re a person, remember?”

“You don’t understand.” He said in a voice so small it could be mistaken for a whisper. 

“What don’t I understand?” Her own voice remained dulce as she leaned a little closer, sharing her warmth that he so desperately needed. 

He finally relented to the tears that made themself at home on his glassy, bloodshot eyes, his mind too difficult a place to bear, it spilled over his cheeks in a weak cry for help. “It’s not that easy… these are different anyhow.” he interrupted his sentence with hiccups. “I- I don’t even know my own feelings, he probably doesn't feel the same way and.. I’ll make him miserable, and!” God! This infliction was indefatigable. It had been so long since he reacted like this, why now? Why this? Why did he have to move backward when all was going so well? These questions enmeshed with his already difficult feelings, feeding his panic.

“Hey, hey, hey calm down! You're getting all yourself all worked up!” Rouge could practically see him spiral, all his hyperbolic statements hardly making sense as he spat out the half-baked hypotheticals. “You don’t know how he feels and that’s ok! Why do you think you’ll make him miserable?” 

“Because!” He croaked out in his worsening condition as his vision was struggling against the flood of tears that threatened to take over. “I’m always miserable!” And this sudden relapse in his recovery wasn’t making it easier. 

She shook her head in sorrow, smiling sweetly at the hybrid. “I live with you and I’m not miserable! He goes way out of his way just to be near you Shadow, you don’t make anyone miserable.”

His breathing calmed down slightly, as did his shaking though the flow of tears were unceasing. “Regardless, I can’t love him.” 

“Why the hell not?” 

A shaky sob escaped his throat as he uttered his next statement. “I’m immortal, there’s no point of me getting my hopes up if I’m going to lose him in the end, I shouldn’t have-” 

He lurched at the sudden touch, firm hands on his shoulders holding him in place. Rouge’s eyes were fierce, but behind them, she was simply determined to interrupt the spiral his mind was determined to take him on. “There’s a difference between living and surviving, Shadow. And even if you like it or not, Sonic, and me, and everyone else cares about you. We’re not going anywhere.” 

He wasn’t convinced. She fixed her voice back into its loving quality, “Let yourself be happy! Bask in the feeling of love. Embrace it and let yourself feel it!”

Even with the tears still streaming down his cheeks, and his features still convulsing he smiled at her excessive, frankly cheesy means of cheering him up. She really was there for him through thick and thin, he loved her like a sister and she knew it. And just like a sister, she knew what would cheer him up, even at his lowest. 

She continued upon seeing his newfound happiness. “Go grab that happiness, hold on to it, and never let go! You guys could be soulmates for all your pessimistic ass knows.” 

Shadow wiped his teary eyes, letting out a shaky sigh as he tried to calm his breathing to an acceptable state. “Thank you, Rouge.” 

It was a strangely opportune time, but Omega had returned from G.U.N HQ. It saddened his robotic heart that he had to go so far away just to charge, being the hulking robot he was, the apartment complex wouldn’t allow it seeing just the amount of electricity he could absorb. His absence meant he was excluded from moments like these. 

Despite his lack of facial features, they could see his concern in his stance, how he suddenly stopped walking and locked his eyes onto him. “Why is Shadow leaking?” 

Rouge and Shadow couldn’t help but to laugh, it was a funny thing to consider, ‘leaking’ a substantive adjective for his weeping. Regardless of its hilarity, his concern had to be addressed. Rouge briefly recounted the event as Shadow was busy hiding his face in the crook of the sofa, all too happy to pretend he wasn’t there. It was a comical sight seeing a robot try to wrap his head around Shadow’s complicated situation, but nonetheless, he offered his unconditional support. 

They stepped closer, placing a comforting claw over Shadow’s head, flattening his ears. Again, a comical sight, but he was trying his best in his own, unique, charming way to console his troubled friend. “Your body secretes a higher percentage of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine in the presence of Sonic. You show signs of attraction: heightened body temperature, heightened heart rate, dilated pupils, increased testosterone secretion, heightened libido-” 

“Ok, ok, enough Omega.” Shadow groaned as Rouge giggled at the remark. It was practically impossible to be bored when she had friends like these, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Once the giggles had ceased, Rouge picked up where he left off. “Shadow, it doesn't have to be this serious. You obviously like him, so just take it slow, y’know?” 

He was well off his confusing high from the kiss, though the delicate feeling of Sonic’s lips still lingered on his. It really was nothing short of a mess, but it still left him needing more. The hybrid’s heart was everywhere at once, he didn’t dare picture his face or imagine his ways, so bright and beautiful it blinded him. He was stupid in his veneration, his mind placing him, just the guy who loved adventure, up upon a pedestal Shadow himself too lowly to breach. 

He sighed, knowing he could never love him the way Shadow wanted him to. The action in vino veritas, him drunk on puppy love alone. Sonic, he was actually drunk, “He was intoxicated anyhow. If I’m lucky, he won’t remember come morning.” 

“Drunk?” Rouge questioned, her tone incredulous and skeptical. She couldn’t picture the stainless, virtuous hero of Mobius, the man kids only aspired to be, partaking in such a thing. 

“Of course!” Shadow’s replay immediate and tone irreverent. “He was saying all sorts of nonsensical things- ‘Dude, there’s like, never a dull moment with you’ calling me his favorite rival.” Shadow, not forgetting to inject his statement with his personal derision of Sonic’s voice. 

Rouge cocked an eye ridge. “He wasn’t drunk. If there were drinks don’t you think I would’ve known about it?” 

Shadow’s still puffy muzzle quickly turned from a warm, yellowish sepia to an impersonal beige with the sudden absence of blood. Determined to not be tasked with comforting the distraught hybrid for a second time in one night, her mind raced around on a frenzied search to find an adequate distraction. “Let’s watch a movie and call it a night! This is a future-Shadow problem.”

“Right.” He conceded to the warm blanket that was draped over his reduced frame in its compact position. The bat’s good-natured attempts of distraction were all in vain, however, as his mind, oh so pessimistic mind, conjured up images of the worst possible scenarios. Considering today's 'outburst’, and the deteriorating state of his mental health, the future looked bleak. But, he braced himself, Shadow knew to set his expectations low, the worst in life came easy to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never forgot our conversation under chapter 18 GuardianDragon98 lmao 
> 
> Yup. I'm back on my bullshit, torturing our poor baby. I swear I have reason behind what I do!! (Also I lowkey forgot about Omega for this whole story but we're gonna ignore that)


	22. Picking Up The Pices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow is confronted with the ramifications of his actions the other night.
> 
> CW/ Religious imagery (metaphors)

For the past five days, the anxiety all but consumed him. He barely slept and didn’t eat much of anything, he couldn’t be bothered. It was just work, then home, get into bed, rinse and repeat, nothing of substance in between.

He was a sorry sight, dragging his body around like dead weight, nothing residing behind those eyes. Rouge was just happy he didn’t feel the need to hide anymore, he left his wounds open, the blood trickling onto the floor for all to see. She assured him, all things must pass, as he was the most resilient creature she ever had the pleasure of knowing! But it didn’t serve to excite him as he passed by her, expression unwavering with the presence of a mere apparition.

She would call him dramatic, and maybe he was. But it wasn’t a fair criticism. She could see brief glimpses of the war he waged with himself every day, when he’d allow her. It gave him such little faith, always expecting the worst and surprised by the most menial victories. No, she couldn’t blame him. The little glimmer of hope that survived in the carnage made in the wake of the terrors that tormented him had been relinquished by his own trepidation.

He expressed to her, without her and Omega, his heart would be destitute. Completely without a support system to rely on at the end of the day, no one to turn to as if it was all the way back when he had first woken from cryogenesis. But this was far from the truth. The menagerie of individuals that surrounded them in their loose band of allies and comrades had expressed a genuine interest in him. Anyone could see with their own two eyes the way he forced himself out of his comfort zone and into the unknown. 

She wasn’t close to them either, but she didn’t need to be close to feel their growing concern for the hybrid. He never got to see this side of things, the hopeful faces asking her for his number, asking how he was doing, wondering why they hadn't seen him in days. 

The ugly reality of the situation was, she was frustrated. She had tried, with all her might, to make him see the beauty that was the reality of the world around him. To push past the metaphorical curtain that shrouds him from the millions of beautiful things this world had to offer, anticipating his acceptance, wanting to accept him in it’s embrace. 

She knew by now his melancholia was more than teenaged angst. His stolid disposition had an insidious underbelly that deprived him of experiencing life and its splendor at its full extent. The world was waiting for him, and she wished more than anything she could save him from this villain, kicking and thrashing, eradicating it along with its misdeeds so that he may experience it. 

But that was all a fantasy. A fruitless, silly little daydream that only served to comfort her. But her principles still stood, her promise still in effect, she’d coax him out of his shell, and she’d be the shoulder to cry on whenever needed. 

Although, her promise might come in handy, again, a little sooner than expected, seeing Shadow’s personal demise patiently waiting for him. 

It was just another day, identical to the day before and the one before that. Shadow was ambling through the motions, more specifically, walking out of G.U.N HQ. Rouge was the first to notice, involuntarily freezing in place, witnessing the scene that was due to unfold. Confused by her sudden pause, Shadow whipped his head around to see just what had caught her in her confident stride. And that’s when he saw it. 

Cobalt blue quills, brilliant emerald green eyes, toned runner’s physique, his confident ambiance, his effect was universal as Shadow, too, was caught in his step under his gaze. Seeing those eyes locked on him, inching closer and closer, caused his heart to sink to the pit of his stomach. His heart sang a madrigal, his head swam in his ambivalence. But Sonic, he was as cool as ever. 

Even in his stupor, Shadow managed to regain his composure not wishing to make more of a fool of himself than he already had. Even with his own brand of ‘confidence’, he didn’t manage to lock onto Sonic’s eyes as he did his. Instead, opting for some unknown, far-out subject that was awfully interesting. 

“Hey.” That voice, the one that ripped Shadow out of his personal reverie, a promise of days in halcyon, always so rich with mirth, had it’s usual loquacious quality of free delight but lacked some conviction. Strange, he behaved as though he never met the hybrid as his approach was worlds apart from that of the night of the party. 

Summoning all his courage, Shadow forced himself to acknowledge the blue one’s presence. “Hey.” gingerly escaped his throat, coming out much more bashful than Shadow had intended. They stood in silence, only the birds filling the air with their resonant song, for a beat too long. The elephant in the room waiting patiently to be introduced. Shadow was the first to wade through his nerves, clearing his throat. “I apologize for the other night. I shouldn’t have been so impulsive, doing such a thing without asking your consent.” He unknowingly dug his skate a bit into the ground. “I hope you can forgive me.” 

“Wait! Don’t apologize!” Sonic said a bit too eagerly, in hopes to rectify whatever he did to make Shadow feel sorry for the situation. “I was the one who left you hanging for five days! The truth is..” Suddenly, the hedgehog renowned for his unceasing chatter was struggling to form a single sentence, clumsy tripping over his own tongue. It was cathartic, in a shameful way, to Shadow who was starting to develop this larger-than-life image of the hero named Sonic, to see him as dumbstruck and inept as he. “Well.. I didn’t really know what to do when you kissed me.” 

Near instantly, Shadow’s fragile hope was shattered. Already accepting its fate upon hearing the sentence. Sonic couldn't bare to see his supposed rival’s face deflate with his statement, so he quickly picked up where he left off. “...because..well.” Sonic sighed, closing his eyes in preparation for what he was about to say. “I just got the courage to flirt with you and I just didn’t expect things to escalate.. Hell, I didn’t even think you liked me back, I thought it was all in my head but I’m really happy you-”

His rambling was interrupted by the sudden warmth from gloved fingers interlaced with his, awkwardly latched on in a tight hold. Sonic quickly noticed that his awkward, cumbersome approach to the situation only made him more appealing to the hybrid; who apparently couldn't find it in himself to reciprocate eye contact, something Sonic definitely didn’t mind. 

After he slightly recovered from the realization that the man he had been admiring from afar, the object of his desire, the only one who lit a fire of passion in heart, reciprocated his hopeless infatuation. Sonic's voice still unnerved, but smile giddy and overjoyed. “Now you’re just making me blush.”

It was reassuring in a way to see the veil of intimidation lifted. Although Sonic may not have been this opalescent, ethereal, deity that was desperately out of reach, he liked what he saw now, something a whole lot better. A guy, not like any other, as he possessed unmatched benevolence and finesse with a propensity to do right all with good looks to match, but still a guy at the end of the day. He was made awkward in his infatuation, excitable at the prospect of romance, living, breathing with russet cheeks and bouncing legs.

Shadow felt a weight lifted off his shoulders, no longer trying to court the divine priest of the church of good faith. A surge of confidence plagued him. “Only trying my best.” possessing him to carry forth with the provocative conversation. 

Who would have ever thought, the hero of Mobius and the Ultimate Lifeform, both renowned for their splendor, altruism, both most notably their dichotomy, their bitter rivalry, holding hands. All in front of Rouge’s phone camera, capturing the entire exchange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I TRIED to limit myself to every other day but I felt guilty for not having our blue boy show up in a while so here he is! Also, only 2 chapters left 🥲


	23. And Falling Agian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow is called on a mission. 
> 
> CW/TW Graphic depictions of violence, suicidal ideation

He wasn’t a phoenix; he had yet to rise out of the ashes as he had hoped.

Yes, he did have his little love affair with Sonic, who he had been pining after for so long, longer than his conscious mind chose to acknowledge. And don’t get him wrong! His pessimism aside, he was over the moon with the newest development in his life! But, he had hoped.. the confession would serve to re-animate his soul in a sense. Yet, when he returned home later that night, it was the same as ever. Tired eyes staring up at the ceiling, praying for impunity, a chance to escape his wretched mind. 

Whatever, he had a distraction, even if it is merely ephemeral in its duration. G.U.N called for him, and him alone to deal with the current threat on their hands. It was a hostage situation, banal in description, the only thing that caught his attention was how dangerous the commander claimed it to be. 

For a lesser man, it really was a death wish. Shadow couldn’t die, even if he wanted to, which made him the perfect candidate for the job. Go in, thwart whatever evil plan these perpetrators had, save the hostages, report back, clock out. The instructions were much more thorough, but when you boiled it down, removing all the unnecessary demands and suggestions, it was always the same just in a slightly different package. 

The machination proved itself not to be so simple as Shadow was whipping around dingy hallways of the abandoned school where the situation took place. His hubris got the better of him, he assumed the sirens of the vehicles waiting for Shadow to apprehend whoever was involved in this charade wouldn’t affect him. He knew he was much too prideful when he could feel the beads of sweat inching their way down the side of his face, pooling in his matted fur. 

He paid the perspiration no mind, he had a job to do. Someone was in danger and it was his job to save them. He wouldn’t, couldn’t let them down.   
From what he can remember from this morning, this particular mission was said to be your typical c hostage situation. Rich white kid kidnapped and held for ransom and daddy pays it off, all's well that ends well, right?

Well first of all hostage situations are very serious and second of all this was much more severe. It was a brothel that was teeming with egregious violations of basic human ethics. The most alarming fact being was that this whole debacle was only discovered thanks to an anonymous whistleblower under a week prior while it was obvious things had been running for quite a time here. 

The wail of the police sirens was enough to deter a good portion of the loathsome creatures who operated out of this facility, but a distress signal beckoned to him, ushering him in to save the day. 

The atmosphere was eerie and the air was thick with the acrid smell of death and fornication that graced his nostrils, almost so poignant he could taste it on the tip of his tongue, but, he couldn’t let it get to him, clouding his already foggy mind. He had been through worse on a first-hand account, but being confronted with the harsh reality of life itself never failed to perturb his soul. After all these years he really did live an accursed life, granted the responsibility of a great protector, the powers of a ruthless evil and all still with virtuous ethics and a continuous heart. 

Finally, he was confronted with his task, faced with the innocent being held at gunpoint. A lengthy man, scrawny and underfed. All he had to see was the desperation on his face before Shadow leapt into action. His mind didn’t bother to register the facial feature of the man with the gun, all he knew was to act. 

Feral was the best way to describe his movements. Without so much as a thought behind it, he chaos-controlled directly behind the malefactor’s head, propelling his skate around and colliding with the man's head in a fatal swing. He was snapped back into reality when he felt that the pressure of the skate against his skull had created a fissure. 

He was horrified. Horrified that a person could hold someone at gunpoint, a bit too Maria-esque for his sensibilities. And horrified with himself that he had just acted so ruthlessly. But he had to keep going, he must, it was his duty. 

In a flourish, he whipped off formally pristine gloves to reveal abnormal, slightly curved claws. In the abrupt movement a single inhibitor un-clasped, making a soft ‘ding’ upon hitting the tile. There simply was no time to address it as he severed the ropes that bound the detainee to the chair. Shadow, with his claws premeditatively outfitted for any situation, made quick work of the rope, setting the man free. 

Shadow didn’t bother to address the discharged man, reaching for his lost inhibitor. Only, this left him vulnerable, if even for a half-second. That was all he needed to reach for the bottle, inexplicably concealed behind the chair, holding it above his head and, with unprecedented speed and force, one would not expect of a man with such feeble stature, slammed it into Shadow’s unexpected skull, the bottle shattering upon contact. 

The splinters of glass were now embedded in the tender flesh, concealed beneath head quills and fine fur. But Shadow didn’t give in to the temptation of his brain calling on him to keel over in defeat. Even with his face slick with blood, his legs weak from the over-excursion, and his reserves deplenished from the weeks of his own mistreatment of his organic body and the newest abrasions over the top of his head, he still stood tall and proud, waiting for what life had to give him. 

The man, now frozen petrified, was powerless against the hybrid who was running on adrenaline and fury alone. Shadow leapt into the air, mimicking his earlier action in kicking the man, only, there was one slight difference, the absence of an inhibitor.

He didn’t anticipate his plunge to the unforgiving floor, he certainly didn’t anticipate the sound of his skull colliding with the ground. Now left alone, with the exception of two unconscious, he couldn’t understand how he fell down this declivity, down, mingling with the devil, sharing his disgraceful, shameful face. 

In a single deft motion, Shadow swiped his lost glove and inhibitor, returning them to their rightful place, and promptly escaping that wretched place. He didn’t bother to acknowledge the crowd of cars that had accumulated outside, all waiting patiently for agent Shadow to report. A job well done, another success story under G.U.N’s belt. 

It’s not that simple when you are lambasted by your own mind, tormenting you with its insidious thoughts, reminding you of the creature you are. It hardly mattered if the men were guilty if they were on the side of evil and Shadow was playing the savior. It wouldn't matter when the carnage you created was laying right in front of you, the image of it as vivid as daylight. 

It wouldn’t be the first time, or the last he had inflicted harm in such a way. It had happened in his pitiful, ignorant rage during his amnesia episode, it had happened against the very organization that now employed him both times they had apprehended him, it happened against adversaries and allies, it happened both premeditated and on impulsive whim. With the evidence stacked against him, it sufficed to say his proclivity for violence was innate. Growing up alongside him, the penumbra that nipped at his toes with every step he took. 

It was so unfortunate, how it had to be this way. How the name Shadow the Hedgehog had to be followed by that ugly connotation of cruelty. He told himself, if he was just someone else, someone different, he would be absolved from this troublesome fate. But, it was nothing more than a silly little daydream. He could wish and pray all he’d like, he’d forever be stuck in the position of the ultimate lifeform, bound to invisible chains that confound him to such an existence. 

His body moved faster than his mind as he soon found himself confronted by his front door. As much as he’d love to curl up in a spiky ball and spend the rest of his days wallowing in his misery in solitude, he had people to account for his existence. 

As soon as the door opened to reveal his presence, Sonic bound up from his recumbent position on the couch to his partner. He would later learn he was waiting, alongside Rouge and Omega who had the pleasure of watching the debacle from their seat on the couch, for Shadow to finish this laborious task to shower him in the affection he deserved for his dedication to his work. 

Sonic greeted him with a passionate, tender kiss, communicating his desperate affection through prolonged contact, in the short time they’ve been together, he’s grown much more confident. It took the hybrid off guard, this loving and sweet embrace. The way he was handled so carefully by his lover always left his mind a fuzzy, useless pile of mush in the best way possible. 

It felt like a punch in the gut. After beating two men within an inch of their lives, leaving them cold and comatose, how was he to deserve someone as great as he? The way the hero took in all the weight Shadow had placed on him, relaxing his body into that fawn chest, how was he not to feel like a worthless pile of shit?

He almost felt like a child, Sonic accepting his lethargic body in an embrace, propping him upright. It was a matter of moments before he felt the firm hand of Rouge on his shoulder, the pressure offering silent support and comfort. The innocence of the hold, how protected he felt, it all caused him to call back to years ago. How did he get this way? 

He thinks back to his introduction to violence, the first punch that left him confused and scared, helpless on the floor. So did the second, and the third, but something changed by the fourth. He acted purly in self-defense, but both his lack of experience and age left him alone on the floor. It was around the fifteenth time, he had stopped keeping track, that he was the undisputed victor. As time moved forward, it was the soldiers protecting themselves against the very thing they had molded into this savage creature. 

In Sonic’s arms, Shadow grieved the man he could’ve been. He could’ve been the cure, he could’ve been the protector, he could’ve been the savior. He had so much potential! But his violence is what killed her. They saw the creature that resides within him, they saw the destruction he was capable of in the numbers he sent to hospital beds. They told him to attack! He did as he was told and he was punished! Why did they have to take her! Why did it have to be his fault! Why, god, why am I this way!  
In his misery, he didn’t realize his wistful thoughts had escaped his head through his mouth in incoherent, fragmented babble. With every word the arms around his chest held on a little tighter, Rouge stroked behind his ear with a little more care. 

He cursed himself, his existence, hating himself for being made in the first place.

Rouge had managed to get his attention, firmly interrupting him with her piercing stare. He had a hard time making her out, he had become light-headed in his sobs, gasping for air in between hiccups as he tried to focus on her. “Shadow! You know we love you, right? Where did you get these ideas? What happened today.” She tried her best to keep her voice steady, making her best attempt at a calming inflection but really, she was frightened by how Shadow viewed himself. Unintentionally, she bombarded him with questions as he tried to articulate his thoughts into an adequate answer. 

Between shuttered breaths, he managed to speak. “It was a setup… I left two men passed out on the ground.. I felt.. I felt his..skull” He couldn’t manage to choke up the final part as the tears came first. His lover, perturbed in his empathy, brought him back into the embrace, near cradling him in his arms. 

“You were trying to do what was right Shadow. I know you’re good, you don't have to try to do the right thing but you do.” Shadow picked up his head from the peach chest to meet his eyes. “You don’t believe me, do you?” 

“Hold on.” Rouge instructed, leaving sonic to whisper sweet words of affirmation into Shadow’s ear. She returned a moment later, this time holding a manilla folder endowed with the G.U.N insignia, overflowing with documents threatening to spill over. She didn’t take her time flipping through the papers, it seems as though she knew exactly what she was looking for. She returned to the weeping hedgehog with a packet of papers labeled ‘project Shadow’. 

She flipped to a page half-covered in highlighter. She tapped Shadow’s shoulder, stealing his attention from Sonic and onto the paper. 

“What is this?” 

“Saviour,” Rouge answered the hybrid, no doubt in her voice. “That is your purpose and that is what you are. You are no monster, Shadow, you protect people.” 

Sonic, now smiling despite his still sullen state, affirmed her point. “You saved me more times than I can count! You saved me from black doom, you saved me that one time Silver went berserk, you saved the whole world from the eclipse cannon!” 

“You saved me from the safe!” Rouge interjected. “Sometimes people get hurt in the process of doing the right thing, that doesn't make the right thing bad, you understand?” She smiled sweetly, inching closer to his side. “You're not a monster sweetheart. The farthest thing from it. Don’t forget that you are your own person.” 

To the shock of everyone who witnessed it, Shadow giggled. He ignored the shocked faces that surrounded him and made a gesture over to the abandoned pile of papers sitting on the counter. “You're a klepto.” 

“Shadow! We’re trying to be serious!” Sonic exclaimed, shocked by Shadow’s sudden mood swing. The small smile the hybrid proudly wore didn’t falter, however, as he was the one to initiate a tight hug between the three of them. 

“Thank you for always being there for me. I love you guys too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I did a good job of conveying this through the last 3 chapters but I kinda wanted to show that mental health isn't a linear path and that progress can still be happening even when you feel like you're taking a step back. Also, this is kind of my interpretation of Shadow's position in the series, the guy that (begrudgingly) does the difficult jobs' ultimately on the side of good (like dealing with the jackal squad).


	24. The Light at the End of the Tunnel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later.

Here he was, in the middle of it all. Finally, he lived and breathed in the air, being in the moment without hesitation. 

He didn’t really have a choice, he was the guest of honor after all. On the coffee table to his right laid a stack of envelopes, detailed with intricate curlicues and iconography all marked with ‘to Shadow’. It was impressive, but it pales in comparison to the stack of gifts next to it, all encased in rich cellophane or wrapping paper. On top sat pretty little silken bows of all colors attached to tags marked in careful cursive addressed to the hybrid. 

Maybe it was all contradictory to his character or his appearance, maybe if you knew him well enough, you wouldn’t think it at all. What he did know was that he couldn’t mind, not with the expectant faces all looking at him as he sat at the head of the table with the chair entangled with streamers and vivid balloons. He himself outfitted with a patterned cone with tinsel streamers on top and decorative fuzz on the bottom. 

Under normal circumstances, seeing so many sets of eyes staring back at him would be a quick and efficient way to incite the worst of his anxiety. But this was different. He was in the familiar, comfortable presence of friends and family, no doubt in his mind that they had his best interest in mind. The air was light, filled with mirth and high spirits that wafted throughout the room in its inviting character, leaving their heads buzzing with jubilation. It complemented the home which was adorned with vibrant decorations for the affair. Here, he felt perfectly at home, relaxed in his company as did they. 

He could name every face in the small crowd, starting with Sonic, Rouge, Omega, Amy, Tails, Knuckles, Silver.. The list went on and on and the precedent still stood. He had grown a relationship with each and every one of them over time and he respected each of them for their own excellence. 

The way he saw them they all had qualities unique to them that made them exceptional, something he previously couldn’t fathom thanks to the walls built around his heart, leaving him surprised by the interesting qualities these characters could possess. But, the world had taught him not to fear the unknown anymore. Besides, they had proven themselves to be good-natured at heart, all looking to accomplish the same goal of global safety and harmony. 

He wondered, would this have been possible a year ago?

A year ago marks a little after he had committed himself to Sonic, still timid in some sort of premature honey-moon phase that left his stomach twisted in knots and his cheeks hot and florid. He was a much different man then, even if it hasn’t been that much time in retrospect, as it was about a month before Rouge had finally managed to convince him to seek counseling. It was a comical sight to see his therapist’s eyes pop out of their sockets once they understood asking his age was a difficult question, it was even better seeing them attempt to wrap their head around his predicament, all the while still trying to remain understanding. 

It wasn’t easy to get himself over that hurdle. His frankly archaic, strict upbringing worked in a comorbid disaster with his own insecurities to prevent him from working on his blatant mental health issues. At a point in time, he considered an inpatient facility when his thoughts seemed too heavy a burden to bare, he turned up his nose, however, when it dawned on him how unsafe he felt in most places he was unfamiliar with, surely a hospital with strangers couldn’t be easier than his own bed. 

But he knew something was wrong, and he finally had a name for it. Two actually, PTSD and clinical depression. For a creature designed to be ‘perfect’, ultimate in every facet of his existence, it was reasonable to say this was a hard pill to swallow. But it was made easier with the help of his therapist, bringing him to realize that perfect was a ludicrous standard, and, of course with the unwavering support of his friends, graciously holding his hand along the way, always providing a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. 

It started with Tails. Dating his brother meant they were practically forced to bond thanks to their close proximity. It was certainly awkward, for lack of a better word, but thankfully for them, they would get over the discomfort with their mutual love of mechanics. Their fate as friends was sealed the day Sonic had caught them in Tails’ workshop, despite his absence, hovering over his newest project together. Apparently, Shadow was a bit more inclined to old-fashioned auto-mechanics as Tails had his proficiency in robotics, making some sort of engineering dream team. Sonic almost found himself jealous by the way Tails looked up to his lover as seamlessly as he did! But, just seeing their bond, the perfect blend of precious and wholesome, was enough to placate any feelings of envy that threatened to emerge.

His relationship with Amy didn’t come easy. Unlike his relationship with Tails, which had grown naturally through time spent together and mutual interest, Amy was all too eager to accept Shadow as one of ‘them’, well that was until he confessed to the nature of his relationship with Sonic, admitting that platonic didn’t exactly cover it. Her reaction to the news was made obvious by the way she kept the pair at arm's length. She couldn’t help but to hold some form of contempt for their relationship, it felt as though something of hers had been stolen from right under her nose before she even had the chance to respond.

But, Shadow understood, and he never held the same scorn for her as she had with him, which was what led her to see the error in her ways. Despite the fact that she still felt a dreadful pang in her heart in every instance she had to witness the loving way they treated each other, she knew it wasn’t meant for her, it was meant for them, and they were happy and she wanted that for them. Their vitriolic relationship ended when she accepted that Sonic wasn’t the man for her, and that was ok. And it was in her revelations that she could facilitate a bond with Shadow that was still growing, but she was grateful to have. 

He didn’t really have much of a choice with Knuckles. Between Rouge and Sonic, he was meant to be a feature in his life, regardless if he liked it or not. Both being introverts, and hotheads, they were both on equal fields of unwillingness to accept one another. This formed a sort of contentious relationship between them, which then, as time progressed, and they were forced to socialize, metamorphosed into what was now a playfully teasing friendship. In a way, it resembled his original relationship with Sonic just without the intense romantic subtext, of course. 

For Silver and Blaze, his relationship with them had only begun to cement itself as it was with the rest of the party. But they had met the criteria to be affirmed as a member of their loose band of orphans and outcasts. Posses a courageous heart, something that ran true for each and every one of them, including Shadow. 

And still, sometimes he’d find himself being the black sheep, as ironic as it was. Happiness wasn’t always easy for him to feel. And when you’re surrounded by smiling faces and you can’t find it in yourself to join them, you become the unwilling outlier. But the old adage ran true, there was always a silver lining. As when he found it hard to acclimate to their loud elation, there was always a hand, reaching out for him, ready to pull him back in. 

Surely this wasn’t possible a year ago; something as simple as feeling the heat of the flames brush up against the fine furs of his muzzle. The main coordinators of this event, Sonic, Rouge, and Omega, couldn’t decide between 60 or 17 candles, going with the former as it was the more humorous option. But even with the overabundance of candles, he was sure he wouldn’t have felt a thing.

The familiar chorus had started, and although it was horribly off-pitch, in his eyes it was one of the most wonderful things he’d ever heard. The cacophony was the aural representation of the life he had built for himself here on this unfamiliar, intimidating, antagonistic planet. It filled his ear, traveling straight to his chest, entering his heart, leaving a warm impression like a mother’s long embrace. His heart was made swollen from the love he never expected to receive, he was gluttonous in his indulgence of the feeling of acceptance. 

The song had tapered off with the last few remaining voices parting with well wishes. The end of the song signified that it was now time for Shadow to make a wish and blow out the candles. But how could he be so greedy as to wish for something when he already had everything he’d ever wished for? 

He’d never lived a charmed life, from his creation up to now he was never without issue. As the Ark would oscillate, looking down on the planet below, Shadow would spend countless hours alone and with company fantasizing about what his existence would be like once he was down there. He made elaborate daydreams, filled with what he pictured sunlight would feel pressed up against his pelt, or how rain and freshly cut grass would smell on a lazy afternoon laying on the back porch, the sound of a slow creek outside his window as he tried to fall asleep, maybe even the fevered gradient of a golden sunset after a long day of hard work. 

All these little fantasies were his metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. His cathartic reverie he could lose himself in when the question of his purpose weighed too heavy on his mind, when his body was nothing more than a vessel for science, when his sister was wilting away right in front of him and he was powerless against it. He could always depend on his fantasies being a constant in his turbulent existence.

Was he disenchanted with its materiality? He couldn’t be with everything meeting, surpassing even, his highest expectations. But, in the shameful name of nostalgia and grief, he’d miss his life on the ark. His direction was clear, he didn’t have the question of who and who not to trust, where he fit in society. Here in this world, he was stuck in the permanent status of a refugee of sorts.

Oh, but wasn’t freedom nice? The realm of possibilities was a wide, gaping ocean, eager to swallow him up and carry him off in whichever direction it pleased. And it could be nice, even with its complicated demeanor. It was a lot easier in good company, those excited to make a disciple out of him, warding off the evil and exposing him to the finest the planet had to offer.

He realized, it was a problem within himself that made everything seem so difficult. It was the fact that he was tethered to someone he loathed, dragging around dead weight, watching it get scuffed along the uneven earth, that stopped him from enjoying this experience. 

In therapy, he was working on forgiving himself. Not looking to his checkered past, but to the man he was today to properly define his character. And, as much as he dreamed of disconnecting himself from who he pictured as this grotesque abomination, it simply wasn’t feasible. Acceptance wasn’t easy, but it was a fact of life, the diseases, those mental lacerations that inflicted upon him were as immortal as he. But he managed to make peace with it. He learned to negotiate with it. After all, it was his mind’s misguided attempt at protecting him from what it believed to be hard for him to handle.

So as he blew out the candles, letting the smoke mingle with the sympathetic air, he wished to never lose his tenacity. To never stop fighting. He knew how to persist, and he would continue to persist. He owed it to Maria, he owed it to his lover, he owed it to his team, he owed all he loved, and, most importantly, he owed it to himself. And, despite how dark his days got, despite how devastating his reality. 

He would continue to walk forward. 

He would continue to progress. 

He would persevere.

He would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason why he's 17 is that he's 15 when the story starts and chapter 23 is around his 16th birthday so yeah that's the timeline lol.
> 
> THANK YOU for sticking with me and my story! It's been such a long ride but I'm happy to have you all here with me! I can't believe all the support I've gotten, I have a limited support system irl so it really means the world to me! Seriously hope you enjoyed! Special thank you to all of those who took the time out of your day to leave comments and asks, I re-read them like nobody's business. Hope you all have a wonderful day ❤️


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